by Brianna Patti, LMFT.
If you were born between 1981 and 1996 and haven't decided whether or not you want kids, you're in good company.
Why do so many millennials feel unsure about having kids?
As a millennial myself, I've discussed this topic at length with countless friends and clients. I've noticed that when people discuss reasons why they're hesitant to have kids, they'll mention stressors* like financial anxiety and pressures, climate and eco-anxiety, career prioritization, mental health considerations, and relationship preferences. As a therapist, I prioritize holding space for the profound grief, anxiety, and uncertainty my clients experience while navigating the weight of an unresolved choice.
Charli xcx, a '92 baby, wrote about this quandary in the second-to-last track of her groundbreaking 2024 album "brat." In "I think about it all the time," Charli shares that she constantly thinks about the possibility of running out of time and not having children. She wonders aloud if a child would give her life a new purpose or if this choice would make her miss her freedom.
What does watching a friend become a parent bring up?
In this track, Charli tells a story about meeting her friend's baby and noticing that this friend is wearing the same clothes she wore before motherhood. She notes that her friend now knows things that Charli doesn't, and that her friend and her partner are exactly the same, but they're different now.
This imagery reminds me of that funny feeling you get when you see your (formerly messy) friend bottle-feeding one child while instructing their other child to "use both hands" when carrying a cup of juice from one room to another. You might pause and think about the thousands of things they've learned about unconditional love, the art of patience, and radical acceptance (to name a few things) that you would learn differently if you don't have kids one day. You might also wonder if you'll soon lose touch with this friend because they're now a True Adult™ and you don't resemble the idea of adulthood that's been forced upon you since you were a child yourself.
And then, you're jolted back to reality when you notice they're wearing the same T-shirt they wore in college that time you saw [insert indie musician here] for $25. Before you can say anything, they ask if you're free for brunch on Saturday because they haven't gotten day-drunk in a while and want to see who can drink more mimosas in 2.5 hours. They really are exactly the same, but they're different now.
Then you ask yourself: Would I recognize myself if my life became so fundamentally different? Do I even want that? Is it selfish to want my life to stay the same?
Then you surprise yourself by also asking: Is it naive to actually look forward to everything changing? What if I absolutely loved parenthood, but I never gave myself the opportunity? Would my parents make good grandparents?
In this thought experiment, you may struggle to focus on one thing at a time due to the dozens of very real stressors our generation faces. Your parents might try to assure you that they "never felt ready to have kids" and that if they "can figure it out, so can you." While I don't disagree that every generation likely felt anxious as they anticipated parenthood, I think we might be spending too much time debating economics when there's also room to explore autonomy, shame, and uncertainty.
How can therapy help me untangle all of this?
The point of exploring this dilemma in therapy is to foster curiosity about what's important to you rather than to convince yourself to be or not to be a parent. I prefer to begin with an open exploration of my clients' practical concerns, theoretical worries, and complex thoughts and feelings about how to move forward. The therapeutic value lies in my clients' trust that I won't judge them, convince them to make one decision versus the other, or invalidate any of their points. I welcome taboo opinions with open arms.
Once we've had a chance to externalize your inner thoughts, it's my job to slow us down. I'll shift you from wondering "What will I decide and how can I make this work?" towards "What kind of life do I want to build?" That's where we're likely to discover the values that are tangled within your multifaceted worries. Together, we can explore whether your desire and/or hesitation comes from your own values or from others' expectations, cultural narratives, fear, and/or something else. Maybe most importantly, you can learn to tolerate uncertainty without feeling like you need to solve it urgently.
One of the most difficult parts of this decision is that there's no way to live both lives. Choosing parenthood means letting go of one future, and choosing not to become a parent means letting go of another. Both paths involve gain, loss, joy, sacrifice, and opportunities for a meaningful life. Therapy can't tell you which version is right for you, but it can help you understand yourself well enough to choose with intention rather than fear.
Is it okay to already know you don't want kids?
There's also a separate, extremely valid reason not to have kids: some people simply do not want children. This section specifically focuses on people who are struggling to decide whether they want kids, so much so that they'd benefit from exploring this in therapy.
If you've decided you don't want children, that's great! You've likely had to explain your reasoning to many well-meaning people, but I know that can get exhausting. If you're my friend or client and we've talked about this, you've probably heard me say something like: "When people ask if you'll regret not having kids someday, it's okay to acknowledge that you're intentionally choosing the life that's right for you. If you don't want children, remaining child-free is a far healthier choice than having them to satisfy someone else's expectations."
Frequently Asked Questions
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Yes. Many millennials describe exactly this kind of prolonged ambivalence, shaped by financial pressures, career considerations, climate concerns, and questions about identity and autonomy that previous generations didn't face in the same way.
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Therapy can't make the decision for you, but it can help you explore the values, fears, and expectations underneath your ambivalence, so that whichever path you choose, it comes from intention rather than pressure or fear.
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No. Wanting your life to stay as it is, or choosing not to have children, is a valid and healthy choice when it reflects what you actually want, rather than an attempt to satisfy someone else's expectations.
Read more about therapy with Brianna here.