trauma
Nik Stancil
Therapy Tools for Processing Childhood Trauma

No matter how hard parents work to offer the “perfect” childhood, traumatic events are all-too-skilled at finding their way into our life experience, like speed bumps in our path. And maybe they aren’t just bumps… maybe they feel like giant, icy mountains that we will never be able to scale or summit.

Trauma from our childhood can linger and have damaging effects on our adult lives, whether that effect is great or small. Addressing and healing from that trauma is often an essential step towards living a full, functional life as an adult.

Therapy Tools for Processing Childhood Trauma
Sara Stanizai
Benefits of Choosing a Neurodivergent Therapist

When it comes to your mental health, the importance of finding the right therapist cannot be overstated. Finding someone who gets your life and empathizes with your goals can be tricky if your life doesn’t look mainstream, which is the case for most of our neurodivergent clients. Plus, you deserve excellent clinical care! A shortcut to finding a therapist that is a great fit is looking for neurodivergent affirming therapists, who are often therapists who are neurodivergent themselves. Neurodivergent therapists bring a unique perspective to the therapeutic relationship, offering a myriad of benefits for both neurodivergent and neurotypical clients.

Benefits of Choosing a Neurodivergent Therapist
Sara Stanizai
Embracing Self-Discovery in Neurodiversity

Getting to know yourself and learning how your brain works can be a tricky journey, especially when it comes to neurodivergent experiences like ADHD. There is so much information online, but it’s hard to tell what’s a trustworthy source, and some sources seem to directly contradict others, making it quickly overwhelming. If you find yourself wondering, "How do I know if I have ADHD? Do I need to see a professional or can I diagnose myself?" this post is for you, written from a neurodiversity-affirming perspective.

Embracing Self-Discovery in Neurodiversity
Sara Stanizai
Breaking the Doom Spending Cycle

It’s 2024- even on a good day, there’s a lot to feel anxious about. There’s the big picture: global warming, pandemic, human rights violations, inflation, uncertain job futures- and that’s not even considering individual stressors like difficult jobs or strained relationships.

We all feel anxiety sometimes and we all have different ways to cope with it. For some of us, we like to get a little spendy: enter doom spending. Whether it's impulsively buying items online or constantly seeking comfort in retail therapy, doom spending can become a harmful coping mechanism. In this post, we'll explore the connection between anxiety and doom spending, and more importantly, discuss healthy coping strategies to break free from this cycle.

Breaking the Doom Spending Cycle
Sara Stanizai
Exploring Stimming in Adults: Understanding, ...

Stimming, short for self-stimulatory behavior, is a term commonly associated with neurodivergent individuals, including ADHD and autistic adults.

But what is it, actually? And- does it serve a purpose?


By de-pathologizing and normalizing stimming, we can better understand its benefits for the nervous system and overall mental health. It’s super important to support/encourage stimming for those who find it helpful, and explore how affirming therapists can support ADHD adults in various aspects of their lives.

Exploring Stimming in Adults: Understanding, Normalizing, and Supporting Neurodivergence

Burned-Out & Overwhelmed: How Depression Affects First Responders

Burned-Out & Overwhelmed: How Depression Affects First Responders

Superhero movies have dominated Hollywood for at least a decade. Ironically, this may be leading us to take real-life heroes for granted. First responders are the ones who run toward a crisis or disaster. They are emergency medical personnel, disaster response teams, firefighters, and more. They are the people you turn to in the worst moments of your life.

They put their bodies on the line every day. Yet, it’s more than that. First responders can face a massive emotional toll during a typical workday.

Sure, they chose their career. Yes, they are essential to every community. But we cannot underestimate the potentially traumatic conditions under which they operate. This helps to explain why depression, anxiety, and related concerns are not uncommon among these professionals.

What is the Difference Between PTSD and C-PTSD?

What is the Difference Between PTSD and C-PTSD?

Imagine: You’re moving through your workday, like usual, handling the day’s joys and stresses like the boss you are. When, all of a sudden, it feels like the world around you has changed. For the worse.

Your heart drops into your stomach, your body feels vulnerable and exposed, and then you begin to feel confused about where you are or what you were doing.

Mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically, you feel like you were just dropped back into the worst day of your life. You’re immobilized. Bracing. Waiting for it to happen all over again.

That is what a flashback feels like, for people experiencing PTSD. But what does a flashback feel like for individuals experiencing C-PTSD?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can set in after experiencing a single, horrific event. Think of things that happen in a flash, like being in a car accident, grieving the death of a loved one, or experiencing assault.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) can set in after experiencing repeated trauma. Instead of going through a key event once, it’s caused by living through a lengthy and highly stressful period of time. This includes chronic or repeated experiences.

Unlike those diagnosed with PTSD, who experienced a single, existentially-threatening event, those diagnosed with C-PTSD may have experienced an entire childhood of abuse, ongoing domestic abuse with a partner, being a prisoner of war, or experiencing abuse or harassment in a long-term workplace. This complex stress can arise from a series of major events or from prolonged micro-aggressions. We all know that trauma isn’t defined by the scale of the event, but rather by the person’s ability to cope with the event(s). This means that a lifetime of experiencing micro-abuses, neglect, aggression, etc., can produce the unique web of hypervigilant pain and wounding that we clinically refer to as C-PTSD.

Leaving the Masjid but Keeping the Faith

Leaving the Masjid but Keeping the Faith

Organized religion has its blessings and its curses. On one hand, it saves you a seat within a larger community focused on mutual values and faith. On the other, it can pressure you to meet norms of conventionality by suppressing certain parts of yourself.

This is especially true for Muslims in America. Not only can performing public displays of faith be even harder because of the stereotypes they face from mainstream culture, but there are many mosques and religious communities who may not accept you for your experiences or identities.

While you try to weigh the pros and cons, having to choose between yourself and your beliefs can cause serious mental health issues; not just anxiety or depression, but trauma and PTSD depending on the experience you had with your faith’s main leaders or elders.

Know that you don’t have to choose. You can leave the masjid, (or temple or church) while still keeping religion, faith, and spirituality in your life.

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Some of the hardest challenges we face in life can connect us deeply to others.

Winning a championship with your recreational softball team, getting to the end of a show week, or making it through that last deadline with your coworkers. Moments like these can create lasting relationships with the people who stayed, even when we were down in the dirt.

But what happens if the person you went through hell with caused the hell? More than that—what if you like them being around but feel conflicted about the levels of stress and toxicity they bring you?

That’s called a trauma bond. Feeling emotionally connected to the perpetrator of your prolonged abuse. Sometimes it can be tricky. You may feel like you have to take the bad with the good. And generally that’s true. But if the “good” parts only come at the price of negative experiences, and you feel obligated to tolerate or look past things that don’t sit right with you, there’s a good chance you are involved in a trauma bond.

(Contrary to popular belief, trauma bonding is not bonding with someone over each of your own past traumatic incidents.)

Trauma bonding is characterized by what feels like “hot and cold” manipulation, so that you emotionally and physiologically, feel bonded to whatever (or whomever) provides the first semblance of safety.

This is not only the case in abusive family or romantic relationships, but often strong group dynamics that require intense physical and psychological devotion, such as military training, spiritual cults — even some workplaces TBH.

Let’s talk about recognizing the cycle of trauma bonding and how you can eventually break free of it.

Are Ultimatums in Relationships Ever a Good Idea?

Are Ultimatums in Relationships Ever a Good Idea?

I was asked to contribute to an article at Dame inspired by the Netflix original show, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On.

I had heard of the show, but didn’t binge watch it until AFTER I contributed to this article. (My opinion didn’t really change after I finally did watch it, though.)

Essentially, I explained that boundaries are limits that we hold ourselves to. Ultimatums are expectations we put on others. And while boundaries preserve relationships, ultimatums threaten them.

Perfectionism is Not Polite

Perfectionism is Not Polite

It’s natural and a sign of high self esteem to want to improve yourself. The main difference between wanting to do better and wanting to do the BEST is how you view mistakes, shortcomings, or flaws. The person striving for improvement sees their mistakes as a natural part of the process, not as a sign of failure. The perfectionist sees their flaws as cancelling out any good they have done.

The pandemic has burdened a lot of our social circles from seeing each other as often as we did in the past.

This may not be the popular opinion, but a lot of us are fine with that. For many people, less emphasis on socializing has been a relief.

Introverts, people with social anxiety, busy parents, people paying down credit card debt. A bunch of us were glad to not have to look for parking every weekend.

However, you may have been feeling lonely and isolated this whole time. And it may not be just because of the pandemic. Perhaps something deeper is at play?

If you spend so long coming up with the right thing to say that you delay interacting with anyone, your problem could actually be perfectionism. This, in fact, is great news!

While we can’t control the ebbs and flows of the world outside, we can always control how we choose to face it. Let’s talk about why overcoming your perfectionism could be the key to several ongoing problems in your life.

What is Survivor's Guilt?

What is Survivor's Guilt?

Living in a globalized world has its benefits, like waltzing into a grocery store and getting any fruit and vegetable, regardless of the season. However, knowing everything that’s going on in the world at all times is a recipe for anxiety, especially when there is so much heartache and pain. Even if you live a relatively comfortable daily life, you can be affected by Survivor’s guilt.

Essentially survivor’s guilt is a range of emotions, persistent thoughts, and related habits that affect people who have survived an incident that others did not. The intensity of feelings can be affected by whether you directly or indirectly witnessed the event, knew those involved personally, how traumatic the incident was, and other factors.

Survivor’s guilt can contribute to making major life decisions, and it can affect your day to day interactions. You may start to ask yourself: When does gratitude become guilt?

Coming Out Later in Life

Coming Out Later in Life

First of all, I don’t like the term Coming Out. I actually don’t like the term Later in Life either.

But I needed a pithy title for this post so here we are.

Coming Out implies there is a secret that you are revealing. But our identities aren’t “secrets.” They’re just things about us that are hidden behind other people’s assumptions. That’s on them, not you.

Later in Life implies there is a time to figure yourself out, and that time is the first 20 years of life. But anyone over the age of 20… or 40…. knows that we don’t figure a lot of things out before then.

Anyway that’s not what this is about.

The good thing about getting older is learning so much about yourself. However, understanding the difference between a change in your libido is totally different than questioning your entire sexual orientation. Self-exploration, especially about fundamental things about ourselves, isn’t a luxury many people feel they have the time and resources for. We are often not at the top of our own priorities list.

So what do we do with those nagging thoughts and feelings that just don’t seem to be going anywhere?

How to Get Through the Day When You're Depressed

How to Get Through the Day When You're Depressed

If you have lived with depression for any amount of time, you know the frustrating and exhausting experience of acting like your usual self. Basic tasks take all your energy. You’re irritable, disinterested, and moody. But people seem to only want the “normal” version of you, so you keep this struggle to yourself.

Inside, you can hardly remember the last time you were that person.

Unfortunately, we can’t pause the outside world so we can calm our inner world. Solutions like therapy and medication can be successful, but they take time to work.

Instead of waiting around for your depression to disappear, buy yourself some time by practicing strategies that help you get through the day.

Anxiety After Social Distancing

Anxiety After Social Distancing

It’s OK if you’re not ready to “go back to how things were.”

As the weather warms up for summer and COVID fatigue reduces public inhibitions, many places are returning to “normal”: Kicking masks, social distancing, and isolation to the curb.

If you spent the past two years carefully avoiding face-to-face interactions with people outside your bubble, it can be pretty jarring.

You may be thinking, “What did I use to wear to work?” or “Were awkward silences after someone finishes speaking this long before?”

You might be painfully aware of people sharing drinks while watching your favorite re-runs.

And heaven help the person who coughs in public.

You’ve adjusted to an almost always virtual world, so returning to an in-person world can be anxiety-inducing.

Fret not—you’re not alone, and there are things you can do to make the transition easier.

How Do I Know if I Have Adult ADHD?

How Do I Know if I Have Adult ADHD?

No matter how you feel about your ADHD, learning more about it may help put things in perspective. There is more knowledge and understanding than ever about how ADHD influences our whole wellbeing, including our mental health, relationships, job satisfaction, and more. Many people find comfort in learning the names of their lifetime of experiences. They finally have a key to the map of their nervous system.

What's So Great About Neurodiversity?

What's So Great About Neurodiversity?

Neurodiversity is the range of brain functions and behavioral traits that differ across the human experience. Unfortunately, you may have heard about it in the context of mental illness. However, the stigma and misconceptions around neurodiversity are losing ground.

Neurodivergent folks today are growing more comfortable expressing their frustration at their neurotypical counterparts having unrealistic expectations of them.

Instead of discussing neurodivergence and its less-than-ness to neurotypicality, why don’t we flip the script? Neurodivergence is just as present as neurotypicality is. Our world is just built to better support one over the other.

Don’t let that fool you—the world needs more confident neurodivergent folks! Embrace exactly who you are by seeing your “weaknesses” as the STRENGTHS they truly are.

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant attachment often gets a bad rap. But the truth is, it’s just another set of relational patterns - neither good nor bad.

An important part of inner healing is developing a healthy sense of self-awareness. While we should validate our feelings, we shouldn’t just accept every behavior that spawns because of those feelings. We’re allowed to feel insecure, but does that mean we should lash out at our loved ones? We’re allowed to be angry with our partner, but does that mean we should stonewall them? Of course not!

Step one is accepting our own emotions. Step two is noticing how those emotions inspire our behaviors and stepping in before they happen so we can remain in the driver’s seat.

What Our Friend Break-Ups Can Teach Us

What Our Friend Break-Ups Can Teach Us

Platonic relationships can teach us just as much (if not more) about ourselves than romantic or other types of relationships.

If you’ve been through a friend break-up, you know how impactful it can be.

Why do we break up with friends, and what can we learn from the experience? As it turns out, you can glean lots of information about yourself through your friend break-ups.

Can You Be Co-Dependent with Your Therapist?

Can You Be Co-Dependent with Your Therapist?

Codependency is a relationship dynamic where an unhealthy reliance on each other keeps two or more people locked in a repeating dysfunctional pattern.

I often say therapy should be the only one-sided relationship you have! Therapists put their personal needs aside to make a safe space for you to practice relating to people in a more balanced way.

It can be possible to transfer the same dysfunctional patterns onto your relationship with your therapist. Here are four signs that might be happening.

Are Childhood Trauma and Anxiety Connected?

Are Childhood Trauma and Anxiety Connected?

You’ve been feeling anxious lately, but you know you don’t have any of the telltale symptoms of an extreme anxiety disorder, like PTSD. We know from studying PTSD that feelings of anxiety can develop because of childhood trauma. Even the classic depiction of it involves being so bogged down by anxiety from a trigger that it mentally places you right back in your traumatic past.

But what about the anxiety that doesn’t seem connected to a specific event? The kind you can’t really put your finger on? You may ask yourself: do I have any underlying trauma that’s making me anxious? Let’s talk about the connection between childhood trauma and anxiety.

What to Do If You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship: 5 Tips from a Therapist

What to Do If You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship: 5 Tips from a Therapist

If you or your partner has changed and not checked in with each other in a while, the love of your life can feel like a stranger. Maybe you stopped having sex or feel like you need to vent about the disconnect to your best friend instead of your partner.

These are pretty good signs it’s time to pause and breathe some new life into your relationship. Here are five tips from a therapist to help you alleviate feelings of loneliness.

But Home is Nowhere: What to do for your mental health when your home country is under attack by your new country

But Home is Nowhere: What to do for your mental health when your home country is under attack by your new country

Today, we live among entire generations of Afghans who had no choice but to be born into a life of conflict. In your family, you may have witnessed or heard stories of violence, lost loved ones, lasting war injuries, family separation, and more — all of which are traumatic events that can lead to lasting mental health implications. The resulting issues such as PTSD, substance use disorders, depression, anxiety, OCD, and others, can be traced back to the pain of forced displacement.

How do you care for your mental health when your physical needs are met?

Mindfulness in a Crisis: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything

Mindfulness in a Crisis: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything

When things go wrong in our lives, it’s a natural response to try to fix it. Humans have thrived through our problem-solving skills, and they come in handy every day. Sometimes, however, things happen that are out of our control. They’re out of our hands to solve and it feels helpless. Or, sometimes, more damage is done by trying to maintain control in an out-of-control situation. In situations like these, the best thing to do in the moment is to take a step back and try to find peace in other ways.

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