When we hear the term break-up, we typically think of romantic relationships. However, break-ups happen in all sorts of relationships and are certainly not limited to romantic ones.
If you’ve ever ended a friendship, for example, then you’re familiar with a friend break-up. We don’t often consider friend relationships to hold as much weight as romantic ones, but their demise can be equally devastating.
Why do we break up with friends, and what can we learn from the experience? As it turns out, you can glean lots of information about yourself through your friend break-ups.
The Intimacy of Friendship
Friendships can be incredibly intimate, possibly more so than romantic ones. When we form a close friendship with someone, there’s a particular amount of vulnerability that goes into it. After all, it’s not easy to let your guard down and tell others your innermost feelings.
For a variety of reasons, we often share more sides of ourselves with a platonic friend. Friends take on the intimacy of a partner, the support of a parent, the allyship of a sibling, the respect of a teacher, and can be a mirror for different parts of our selves.
When we find someone with whom we can do that, it’s an intimate thing. Many people feel more comfortable sharing aspects of their lives with friends as opposed to significant others. Because of this closeness, the end of a friendship can be just as jarring — if not more so — as the end of a romantic relationship.
Patterns In Our Friendships
Many of us have patterns when it comes to friends. We share similar interests, hobbies, goals, or lifestyles. When you break down the pattern behind choosing friends, it may reveal a lot about yourself too.
Do you seek friendships in which you desire a close, parent-like figure? Or, do you like to be the “parent” friend in the group?
The types of friendship we seek may directly reflect what we learned or desired as children. If you wish you had a more stable childhood, you might seek out loving friends to provide stability. Alternatively, you may project care onto others, thus being the caregiver in your friend group.
What role do you play in your friend group, and how does it impact your self-image?
What We Learn From Friend Break-Ups
Just as friendships glean information about ourselves, friend break-ups are also telling. How could such a strong relationship fall apart? How could the person to whom you once told everything now be a stranger?
It isn’t easy grappling with a friend break-up, especially when it was someone you thought would be in your life forever. Sometimes, however, it’s part of your growth process. If you’re close with someone in your early twenties, things may be very different in your thirties. You’ve changed, your friend has changed, and maybe you went in different directions.
Friend break-ups may also tell us something about what we seek from those around us. We surround ourselves with people who make us feel good — and over time, that may change with friends. You may mature more quickly than them, or you find yourselves wanting different things. You may sever the friendship completely or simply drift apart and possibly check in down the road.
Moving Forward From a Friend Break-Up
When you have someone consistently in your life, it’s jarring to go about the days without them. Be kind to yourself, and know that you’re doing what’s best for your well-being. Sometimes, friendships not only fizzle out, but they become actively toxic.
Though it takes adjusting, you will get used to your life without a specific friend. You’ll meet new people, make new friendships, and learn new things about yourself, too. You and your friend may find each other again later in life and hit it off once more, or that chapter of your life may stay permanently closed.
When you experience a friend break-up, try to reflect on the relationship as a whole. What did you learn from them? Why was the friendship so meaningful? As you move forward and make new friends, keep these considerations in mind. When you’re more aware of your friendship patterns, you can be a better friend and seek those who will be good friends to you, too.
If you’re noticing patterns in your friendships and all relationships, talking them through with a trained therapist can help you learn where your blindspots are and help you take accountability for your part. Request a free consultation below.
Therapy for Relationships in Long Beach
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.