Living in a globalized world has its benefits, like waltzing into a grocery store and getting any fruit and vegetable, regardless of the season. However, knowing everything that’s going on in the world at all times is a recipe for anxiety, especially when there is so much heartache and pain. Even if you live a relatively comfortable daily life, you can be affected by Survivor’s guilt.
What is Survivor’s Guilt?
Essentially survivor’s guilt is a range of emotions, persistent thoughts, and related habits that affect people who have survived an incident that others did not. The intensity of feelings can be affected by whether you directly or indirectly witnessed the event, knew those involved personally, how traumatic the incident was, and other factors.
Survivor’s guilt can contribute to making major life decisions, and it can affect your day to day interactions. You may start to ask yourself: When does gratitude become guilt?
Survivor’s guilt affects combat veterans….and many other people
Queer adults may mourn the loss of their community’s freedom after the “Don’t Say Gay” bill in Florida passed, though they may not live in Florida. Generations of Ukrainian families in America may feel the fear of their relatives escaping war, though they themselves are safe. Afghan families who left Afghanistan however long ago may feel crushed at the thought of their people going through famine and violence, even though they survived.
Healthcare workers who treated COVID-19 patients and their families may not appreciate the “nightly applause” while people ignored CDC recommendations. Combat veterans may feel conflicted when they are thanked for their service by civilians, often for some of the worst experiences of their lives. Parents who lose their children will feel responsible no matter the circumstances of the loss.
Just because you survived, that doesn’t mean you must be okay.
That feeling of guilt for outlasting a life-threatening situation is called survivor’s guilt. Despite feeling grateful to be alive, you feel guilty that others weren’t so fortunate. This feeling could be particularly devastating if someone gave their own life to save yours.
Survivor’s guilt can make it difficult to talk about your feelings. You may feel like you have no right to give yourself attention when others “need it more.”
Talking about your feelings does not take away the spotlight that your loved ones in crisis need and have.
Witnessing the trauma of others can trigger the trauma in us. Seeing or hearing about someone experiencing the same pain as you (or facing threats you evaded) can send us down an anxious spiral.
Should I be speaking up more about the issues my people face?
Just because I went through something similar, does that automatically mean I 100% get this person’s struggle?
If I’m tired from my own fight, do I still have to get up and fight someone else’s?
Questions like these haunt those with survivor’s guilt. If you think you may struggle with it or other symptoms of anxiety and depression, focus on these tips.
Focus on what you can do instead of what you think you should do.
Being the spokesperson for an entire community is a heavy burden to bear. If it’s draining you to do it, then it’s probably not for you, especially if every conversation is a stark reminder of the pain you outran.
Instead, opt for giving monthly donations, sharing informative resources that other people had the energy to put together, and working through your pain with therapy. According to social work researcher Brené Brown, the most compassionate people we know have one thing in common: having and upholding personal boundaries.
The more you take care of yourself and respect the boundaries you need, the more you can give to others. Don’t sell yourself short just because you spread yourself thin. Everyone needs rest.
Share your opinions in context if it feels more comfortable.
Fight the feeling that you need to be a performative expert by adding context to your conversations. For example, if you’re Black and someone brings up police brutality in America, people might look at you like you have something to add. You’re under no obligation to do so. Instead, when others look to you to chime in, allow yourself the space to say, “This is personal to me, so I may be biased, but…” Or “I’m still learning about the stats myself, but this issue affects me personally, so…”
Give yourself permission to have half-baked opinions, no public opinion at all, or opinions that reflect your trauma and nothing else. If you’re looking for a safe space to dive deeper, therapy is literally a confidential space where you can say what you need to say without feeling guilt or shame. Schedule a free consultation today.
Therapy for Trauma and Survivor’s Guilt in Long Beach and California
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.