If you have a loved one who recently told you they are transgender, you may be feeling conflicted.
When someone important to you reveals this part of their identity, it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions - from elated to terrified.
Though you may want to be supportive, you might also harbor feelings of rejection, worry, or even anger. Like every other emotion, these feelings aren’t forever. That said, it can certainly feel that way when you’re right in the middle of it.
Although this is new to you, it is not always new to your loved one.
So, how do you cope with these feelings? How can you get to a place of acceptance and understanding instead of fear, anger, or confusion? Depending on your specific situation and relationship to the person, there are different options to help you make sense of your feelings.
It’s Normal to Have Questions
When your partner first tells you that they are questioning their gender or that they’re trans or nonbinary, it’s normal to have questions.
“How long have they wanted to come out?”
“Are they still attracted to me?”
“Will I continue to be attracted to them?”
“Will they look different?”
“How will our relationship change — will we stay together?”
These questions can be overwhelming, particularly when you don’t have someone to talk to about them.
Although these questions may seem scary, the crucial part is that you still care about your partner and want to continue to support them despite your fears. It’s okay to have worries of your own; in fact, it’s often expected.
(Read: When a Loved One Comes Out to You.)
When to Seek Help
That being said, you may find that you need more support than your partner can provide — perhaps they already have their hands full with their transition, or you simply need your own space to work things out.
Individual counseling can help to fill that need, especially for partners who are having trouble accepting the news that their loved one is trans or nonbinary.
Your own sessions can provide safety and privacy when exploring some of the difficult and challenging feelings that come up. Here, you may delve into some of those lingering questions without fear of upsetting or invalidating your partner. Once you’ve confronted those fears, you can open yourself up to making efforts to better understand and support your partner.
For other folks, couples/relationship counseling may be a better fit. This may be true for you if you have some sense of acceptance of your partner’s identity, but perhaps you both have questions about what this change means for the relationship.
The winds of change can feel destabilizing, especially if that change is bringing the relationship into uncharted waters. However, as long as you want to embark on the journey together, couples counseling may be an excellent option for you and your partner.
This format can be particularly useful if one partner’s transition is highlighting relationship issues such as how connected or secure partners are feeling, how well the partners understand one another, or how conflict is addressed. Or, perhaps, you would like to work on how to best support one another in this new chapter of the relationship.
As affirming therapists, we are able to hold space for each of you. You’re allowed to say those awkward things you’re thinking. Being affirming doesn’t mean we won’t tolerate difficult or confusing emotions regarding gender. We will, however, make sure that your partner also feels safe. If that means you don’t get to have your sessions together at first, we may recommend you have your own therapeutic space to process first.
Community Support
Although counseling is a great option, there are other means of support you may choose to pursue. Support groups for partners and loved ones of trans and nonbinary people are often available online and in-person. Many people find these groups helpful and they do a great job to normalize your experience and remind you that you’re not alone.
If your loved one is your first exposure to the LGBTQ community, these groups can also serve as a gateway into the community to grow your familiarity and create a new social support network. Finally, these communities can be a wonderful resource for finding helpful books, forums, websites, and other media to further contextualize your experience.
Supporting Your Loved One
It is not easy to come out as transgender. Our society consistently discriminates against and delegitimizes transgender lives. By taking the vital step of sharing this with you, your loved one is going up against a world that won’t always accept them. They do, however, have faith that you will support them. The fact that they have come out to you is a huge show of love and vulnerability. Even if you do have feelings of fear, uncertainty, or rejection, make it a priority to be there for your loved one.
The best way to start is through affirmative behavior. Your loved one may ask to go by different pronouns than they previously did. They may also request that you call them by another name. By acknowledging and respecting their requests, you are affirming their identity. Although you may mess up from time-to-time as you relearn, remember that using your loved one’s pronouns or name is a small step you can take that will make a huge difference in their life. It is an act of love.
As your loved one progresses on their journey, they may begin to look, sound, dress, and behave differently. Be there for them through the changes. Let them know that they are seen, valid, and worthy.
You don’t have to have all the answers or know the right thing to say all the time. Your support, love, and validation mean a lot. And, of course, show yourself kindness and compassion through this process. Counseling can be a key part of self-care, so listen to the signs that it’s time to go. Whether it’s couples or individual therapy, you can work through any questions, fears, or feelings that you have and come out the other side.
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Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with LGBTQ+ folks of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.