October is LGBTQ+ History Month! We acknowledge National Coming Out Day on October 11th, and International Pronouns Day on October 21st.
We hear from our clients that so many people are becoming more aware of the spectrum of gender and sexuality. While it is still a very personal process for people, it’s heartening to know that the people in our lives are not simply “accepting” of us, but that they are celebrating and advocating for us as well.
Pronouns still seem to be a sticky subject for even the most well-meaning family members.
It’s more important than ever to understand why pronouns matter.
The goal of International Pronouns Day is to bring light to the importance of using someone’s proper pronouns, particularly when it comes to transgender, nonbinary, and gender expansive people.
For many people, this is a topic with which they have a little familiarity, but want to know more. Why do pronouns matter? And why is it essential to refer to people with their pronouns?
Let’s get back to basics. When we’re born, our families assign plenty of things to us. We are assigned a sex, we’re given names, we are sometimes even protected with religious or spiritual ceremonies. These are things assigned to us based on basic anatomy, cultural norms, and family traditions. Nothing wrong with these!
However, just like with any other part of our identity, it’s important to acknowledge that it is simply given to us - it may not actually reflect who we are or who we become.
Understanding Someone’s Pronouns
We use pronouns in place of someone’s name. If you wouldn’t want to get their name wrong, you wouldn’t want to get their pronouns wrong either.
But it happens. How do you react when you get someone’s name wrong? Feel bad? Don’t want to be rude? Glad they told you? Do you tell them this long story about why you misheard it and how you really didn’t mean to offend them and you’ll do better next time?
Or do you just try practicing it a few times in hopes of getting it right from now on? (Hint: Just do this one.)
Treat someone’s pronouns the same way you treat someone’s name.
For example, you may say, “she went to the store,” or, “they are in school right now.” She and they are both examples of personal pronouns. Even if someone goes by a pronoun that you may not initially assume, it’s important to respect it nonetheless.
Pronouns have to do with someone’s internal sense of gender and who they are. They do NOT have to do with how someone dresses or looks. That means people who have feminine, masculine, androgynous, or other qualities may still use any pronoun that reflects them.
By the way, neutral pronouns can mean a few things: It may mean that someone is nonbinary, genderfluid, or agender. It may mean that someone is exploring their gender, or trying a new pronoun on.
What Is the Importance of Pronouns?
Referring to someone by their correct pronouns is a basic form of courtesy. Similarly to calling someone by the wrong name, calling someone by the wrong pronouns can be incredibly degrading. By acknowledging someone’s pronouns, you are respecting their boundaries, identity, and dignity.
Consider the pronouns you use for yourself — would you feel uncomfortable if someone consistently called you by the wrong ones?
Pronouns matter to everyone. It’s not a “trans” thing.
It’s not that pronouns matter MORE to people in transgender or nonbinary communities. It’s just that people frequently get pronouns wrong for these folks, so it feels like it turns into a whole thing.
By respecting people’s pronouns, you are giving validity and respect to their identity.
It may seem like a passing mistake - and it should be just that. However, on a personal level, it gets more than just annoying after a while. If it keeps happening, it can start to affect someone’s self-esteem in the world, and increase feelings of anxiety, depression, or dysphoria.
People can have a pretty strong sense of their own identity, but having people question it or get it wrong over and over can start wear at even the most self-assured person.
Respecting Others and Their Boundaries
The best way to look at pronouns is through a lense of respect. If someone specifies their pronouns to you, it takes little effort to respect this wish. Plus, if you refer to someone with a pronoun and they correct you, it’s an easy fix to make. People have a right to feel comfortable with their identities, and as humans, we should take the steps towards respecting this.
Not everyone is comfortable sharing their pronouns right off the bat, and may only want you to use their name. Again, it comes down to fostering a community of respect and understanding for other people. You don’t have to know every aspect of someone’s life to respect them and their identity.
However, it’s essential to realize that you are harboring hostility when you intentionally ignore someone’s specific pronouns. This hostility can become especially problematic in the workplace or within a community.
Each time a person is misgendered, they are disrespected. The more disrespect becomes OK, the less autonomy folks have in the world. If someone’s name stops being important, then their identity stops being important. Then their place in the world, their acceptance by others, their legal and social rights, and even their lives stop being important.
If you haven’t been misgendered consistently, then this may feel like a stretch to you. But it is a real experience that applies to everyone - even you.
Embracing a World With More Acceptance
Transgender people, especially transgender people of color, face a high amount of violence and intolerance in America and around the world. Much of the discrimination starts with the intentional misuse of pronouns, so this is why the issue is incredibly important. By celebrating International Pronouns Day and bringing light to the situation, we foster a community of understanding and acceptance.
You may have never considered your pronouns or thought anything of it, but that’s not because it doesn’t matter. By using proper pronouns, (and not taking it personally when we are corrected), we are taking the right steps. Remember to keep learning, keep respecting others, and learn more about why pronouns matter.
—
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with LGBTQ+ folks of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.