When something big happens, whether it’s amazing or absolutely horrible, you typically want to text or call the people you love the most. But often, if you’re seeing a therapist regularly, they may be on that short list of who you want to talk to.
So how do you categorize them? As a friend, a loved one, a paid professional? And even weirder to think about… What do they think about you? This can seem confusing, but it probably just means you’re in relational therapy.
What is Relational Therapy?
Relational therapy believes that the relationship between you and your therapist is healing. It is centered on the idea that the therapeutic relationship mirrors other relationships in your life. This allows your therapist to set up a strong example of a healthy and safe relationship with other people, showing you how to connect with them. Once that is formed, you can use the same skills to connect with others and continue to heal.
This method is useful in coping with a wide variety of emotional, social, and psychological experiences. Relational therapy is especially helpful when there are negative experiences around the way you formed attachment bonds early in life, as well as experiences of neglect, manipulation, and interpersonal trauma. The ability to reinvent the foundational interpersonal experiences (as opposed to events endured or witnessed) allows you to build new pathways and habits.
At Prospect Therapy, all of our therapists take a relational approach. We truly believe that if you can learn to feel safe with one person, you can feel safe with others.
If you can speak up for yourself with one person, you can do it with others. If you do all the hard work with your therapist- being vulnerable, accountable, honest, uncomfortable- in one situation, then you can absolutely learn how to do the same with others.
Wait a minute… If it’s relational, do therapists get offended when clients ghost them?
Although it may seem like something based on a trusting relationship could get personal, that’s where the licensed therapy side comes in.
Relational therapists believe that there is nothing a client can do that will offend us, hurt our feelings, make us judge them. We won't like you any more or less because of the role you play as part of the relationship.
Because in the end, we are your therapist. TBH, it doesn't really matter whether we like you as a person out in the real world, because we don’t connect out in the real world. That’s not therapy.
But don’t worry. It does have to be a symbiotic relationship, or the relationship won’t be helpful to you. So as your therapist, we do like you plenty.
While this may seem like we’re being paid to say nice things, that’s far from the case. This is what Carl Rogers called Unconditional Positive Regard - and it's an actual therapeutic tool. You might feel that when your therapist praises you, we are "just saying that because they have to." But we’re real humans too. We don't actually have to say something, but if we believe it, we will say it. And as therapists, we do believe it.
So, how do I choose the right relational therapist?
This can seem like the scary part, but remember: you are not trying to impress or win over a therapist. You are trying to find someone YOU like who is qualified to help YOU.
Start with a little bit of visualization… What do you imagine when you think of yourself in therapy? But then, challenge that.
Often, we might have an idea of what our perfect therapist could be like, but if you put yourself in a box, you may miss huge opportunities for growth. What we think we want on the surface level isn't what we would actually most resonate with as a client.
For example, you might want someone close to your age who feels super approachable and natural, like they would be your BFF outside of therapy. But if it feels like a peer, you might not respect this person, especially when they challenge your emotional patterns.
Or maybe you want a very experienced therapist who is much older than you. But if you’ve had a pattern of issues with authority figures, you might not feel truly comfortable talking about difficult or controversial subjects that you think they are "out of touch" with.
This preconceived idea can manifest in so many ways. Some people think they wouldn't be comfortable with a therapist of a different gender from them, just like people may choose specific doctors. Some people are not comfortable potentially crying in front of a certain gender. Maybe it’s horrifying to imagine talking about sex or expressing anger.
These can all be opportunities to confront and heal those exact issues.
If you have had negative relationships with men, for example, having a safe connection with a male therapist may help you learn that men can be safe.
If you have turned away from religion, finding a religious therapist may show you that you don't need to feel guilty, rejected, or unsure from everyone who is religious.
But in the end, this is your mental health journey. You are not required to be up for this challenge.
The choice is always yours.
A good therapist will be able to describe their approach and theoretical orientation of therapy. They will be able to tell you their philosophical beliefs about how change happens and how they make that happen with their clients.
Okay, this may sound like a super geeky conversation about schools of thought when you’re probably super nervous to call a therapist anyway. But knowing that they can explain their approach can help you hear if the therapist will understand you and knows what they’re talking about.
The goal is to find a therapist you can connect with, who will hold that unconditional positive regard for you (A.K.A, they’re gonna like you no matter what), so you can explore the disruptive relational patterns in your life and find ways to shift them. And let’s get real, you can always choose to end the relationship (or "terminate") at any point. Session 1 or session 100. You don’t have to give a reason or get approval. The goal is to find someone who fits for you.
In the end, as your therapist, we just want you to know that we care about you and we know how to help.
Because we really do.
Prospect Therapy is an LGBTQ+ affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA. We focus on queer + trans mental health as well as mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we support individuals, teens, couples, and families in our communities by requesting a consultation at www.prospecttherapy.com.
Photo courtesy of Body Liberation Photos.