Do you ever feel like despite knowing and wanting to do the best, you still make bad decisions? Maybe you keep seeing that same casual “friend” who hits you up with the “WYD?” text, even when the relationship is still toxic. Perhaps you repeatedly stay up late on a work night scrolling through TikTok videos, even when you know that you’ll be exhausted the next day.
In the words of icon Hannah Montana, everybody makes mistakes — it’s natural and human of us to do so. But when you cross the line between a one-off mistake and repeatedly making bad choices, you may be entering self-sabotage territory.
If you are your own worst enemy, you aren’t alone.
Many people struggle with self-sabotaging behaviors, but even the worst of habits can end with learning and implementing the right strategies.
What Is Self-Sabotaging Behavior?
Self-sabotaging is when we make choices in the here and now, even though we know it’s going to hurt us in the long run. For example, you may go on a shopping spree right when you get paid and splurge on everything in your ASOS cart, even though you are blatantly aware that you may come up short for rent because of it.
You can also show self-sabotaging patterns if you consistently have trouble committing in relationships, even when you really want the relationship to succeed. This can manifest in a variety of behaviors that add up super quickly. Maybe you may become distant with your partner, pick fights for no reason, or possibly cheat on them — all while knowing that your behavior could quickly end the relationship.
Often self-sabotage is a cycle that rinses then repeats:
You make a questionable choice.
You pay the literal or figurative price for said choice.
You convince yourself you’ll never ever do that again or this was the last time.
Aaaaaand it wasn’t actually the last time, so go back to step one and do it all again.
We can self-sabotage ourselves in SO many ways, and despite knowing better and your friends telling you that you know better, we still make bad choices anyway.
Why We’re Often Our Own Worst Enemy
“You are your own worst enemy” may sound cliché, but there really is some truth to it. For many there is a level of self-awareness around this idea. Sometimes we feel like the biggest threat to our happiness and well-being isn’t anything outside of our control; it feels like your own mind is working against you.
Sometimes, however, you know it’s not external, but it feels out of your control anyway. Despite knowing better, you may experience cognitive dissonance when you make bad choices. You know it’s wrong, but there’s something immediately satisfying about doing it anyway. Don’t worry, this feeling is familiar, and there are a few reasons for it.
What is Cognitive Dissonance?
The more straightforward reason for making bad decisions is: because it’s an old habit. Maybe you were rebellious when you were younger, and it’s hard to shake that feeling. Or, you possibly grew up witnessing loved ones make similar decisions, so it feels normal to sabotage your happiness.
Relationship trauma can also play a factor, primarily if your bad decisions revolve around relationships. When your relationships have been traumatic in the past, you may subconsciously self-sabotage new ones to avoid rejection or trauma. Though you may realize you’re self-sabotaging, you also feel a sense of control because at least you’re doing things on your terms.
Are you setting the wrong goals?
Instead of thinking how “hard” or “easy” a goal is, try evaluating it based on, “how aligned is it with my self-image?” It’s a roundabout way of that annoying phrase, “Find your why.” Am I reaching for this goal because I want it to say something about who I am? Is that ACTUALLY who I am? If not, that might be where you’re getting stuck. If you keep going for the same goal in different ways, it might be time to get honest about why you’re seeking that goal. Do you simply want to be someone who is clear and organized, or do you want to be in control? Pick one of your dream goals and get honest about why you want to do it. Are you trying to become MORE like yourself, or less? If less, that might be why you keep sabotaging yourself.
If your goal is misaligned, self-sabotage may actually be self-preservation.
Overcoming Our Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
It isn’t easy to unlearn behaviors, especially when you don’t know what else to do. Fortunately, you don’t have to stay in a cycle of self-sabotage. We tend to make bad decisions impulsively. So, the next time you feel an impulse coming on, try to take a step back. Reflect on how you’re feeling. Will people be hurt as a result of your actions? Will you be hurt or worse off because of your actions? If the answer is yes, reconsider what you’re doing. Ask those around you for advice, and genuinely consider taking it.
It would help if you allowed yourself to rewrite your narrative. When we’ve done bad things or when we’ve hurt people, it feels shameful. You may think that your past wrongdoings define you, and there’s no real way to change. Humans are capable of growth at any age, and your mistakes don’t define you. Just because you used to do those things, doesn’t mean you still have to.
Remind yourself that just because you made mistakes in the past doesn’t mean that you can’t begin to make better choices now. Learn to forgive yourself, start examining your decisions more closely, and move forward with the mindset that self-sabotage doesn’t have to define you.
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Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.