by Brianna Patti, LMFT.
What kind of therapy do you provide?
A common question you can ask your therapist before you get started is, “What kind of therapy do you provide?” If you want to be more specific, you can ask about their modality to learn how they conceptualize mental health symptoms, disorders, and wellbeing.
Humanistic and Person-Centered Therapy
My short answer is that I practice humanistic and person-centered therapy because I believe people are capable of growth when they’re met with genuine authenticity, acceptance, and curiosity. I view each client as a whole person who has been uniquely affected by their surroundings, and I maintain a balanced focus on their strengths and challenges without assuming that I know what’s best for them.
Here’s how I imagine most of my clients approach the beginning of their therapy: They range from super-aware to vaguely familiar with what’s bothering them now, and what bothered them while they were growing up. Whether they’re therapy veterans or they’re trying it for the first time, they want to find out what’s right for them and how to move forward. But they’re tired of doing this alone or with people who don’t get it (i.e., well-meaning friends, misguided family members, or previous therapists who were too directive or just didn’t understand them well enough). Or maybe they’re dealing with something they’re not ready to share with people in their life. Maybe most importantly, they’re seeking someone who will help them learn to cope with distress while they’re figuring out their Stuff.
With this assumption, I help my clients navigate the beginning stages of therapy with curiosity as our anchor. I often remind them that we don’t need to know the answers to the questions we ask; instead, we’re simply trying to externalize what they have internalized for (probably) a very long time.
Therapy for Perfectionists in Relationships
For example, if you’re a perfectionistic high-achiever who can’t figure out why you keep dating the same kinds of people over and over again and sedate yourself with substances or food at the end of every work day, our first step is to name each part of this pattern. Perhaps you’d say something like this:
1. I hold myself to really high standards,
2. I’m exhausted from over exerting myself,
3. I feel familiar patterns of conflict in my relationships, and
4. I don’t like who I am in these patterns,
5. I don’t know how to cope with this exhaustion and disappointment, but alcohol/weed/food/sex/video games/etc. quiets these big feelings and I can pretend everything’s alright for a few hours.
And, no, this doesn’t happen in one session right off the bat.
In order for us to explore what’s bothering you today (e.g., exhaustion and “bad habits”), we need to make sure you feel safe enough to be your whole self during our sessions. That doesn’t mean I plaster posters claiming that “*~*You are safe here*~*” in my office which magically opens the floodgates to your every thought during our first session. It means I use my years of education, training, and experience to begin our therapy by getting to know you with purposeful questions. I’m just as interested in your strengths, interests, and hobbies as I am in your therapeutic goals, clinical symptoms, and behaviors that you want to change.
Intersectionality in therapy
I’m also interested in how your identities intersect. While I know a lot about people who are different from me, I haven’t met you yet! I’ll ask you open-ended questions about your family and upbringing while consciously avoiding the Nice White Lady therapist trope by not asking pointed questions based on generic assumptions. You’ll be welcome to share anything that feels relevant, and withhold anything that you’d rather keep private. I really just want to begin to understand (metaphorically and literally) where you come from, where you are, and where you’d like to go.
When a client feels understood and respected by their therapist, trust begins to form. Trusting that your therapist isn’t judging you and genuinely wants to help you can make growth possible.
The reason why I know this is true is because the opposite happens when a therapist (or an authority figure) has a “because I said so” attitude and an authoritarian approach to problem solving. I can’t imagine feeling understood by a person who would claim they had me all figured out and told me how to solve my problems after talking to me for 1 hour.
What is Humanistic Therapy?
So far, I have described why my approach to therapy is Humanistic. Instead of having a laser focus on a client’s symptoms or diagnosis and then deciding how to solve their problems, I assume that they probably know who they are as a person and that by learning this important context, I’ll be able to show up for them without asserting myself as the expert in their lived experience. And when my client feels understood by me, their therapist, they’ll feel safe enough to grow.
What is Person-Centered Therapy?
I’ve also explained why I’m Person-Centered. I let my empathy and genuine care for my clients lead me as I assume that they’re doing the best they can with their tools and lived experience. I operate with these mechanisms without conditions, which means I accept my clients for who they are, no matter what they do. With perspective, I collaborate with my clients to identify clear, realistic treatment goals to keep us on track and encourage steady change.
In my opinion, working with a person-centered, humanistic therapist allows the therapy space to feel comfortable rather than sanitized. I’m mindful of the power dynamic within a therapeutic relationship and do my best to not be weird about it. We’re allowed to acknowledge that therapy is kind of odd– you schedule a routine professional meeting with a friendly person who is bound by the law to protect your deepest thoughts. You might know a handful of things about your therapist (e.g., I have a dog, I crochet, and if you quote The Office I’ll be able to finish your sentence) and you’re surprised that you don’t need to know much else to feel comfortable talking about yourself. Sometimes you talk about your favorite TV shows, your least favorite coworkers, and public figures who make you want to scream. But other times your therapist points out a pattern that has been staring you in the face for years and you can’t help but feel shy about it even though you like your therapist a lot and know they’re not judging you!!
Next time, I’ll outline how I use attachment theory to conceptualize where you learned what feels safe in relationships and how you adapted to these cues with attachment strategies that are likely contributing to your challenges in and outside of your relationships.
If you’re interested in learning more about humanistic and/or person-centered therapy, On Becoming A Person by Carl Rogers and The Gift of Therapy by Irvin Yalom are classic starting points.
Read more about therapy with Brianna here.