by Tiffany Hooton, LMFT.
Imagine you’re standing in a parking lot, just about to head into work, when you check your phone. There’s a message from your partner: They think they might be trans. They know a text isn’t ideal. That it might feel impersonal, but the words get stuck in their throat whenever they try to muster the courage to say something. Just writing that sentence took everything.
How might you feel in that situation? How do you imagine you would respond?
There is no playbook for when a partner comes out to you, especially in those critical moments when they need you most and, for some, this news can come as a shock.
It can feel threatening, taking what you thought you knew to be true about your relationship and your partner and capsizing it. The first months can feel isolating and uncertain, unsure of what might come next. Unsure if you’re doing the right thing. Unsure who you can talk to and where those boundaries lay. Many people in this situation feel torn between wanting to support their partner and a desperation to process their own emotions, some of which may not align with their partner’s or even their own values, causing a sense of unbearable tension. Plus, without adequate support of their own, partners who struggle to reconcile that tension may be left feeling emotionally cut-off and unable to fully accept and adapt to their partner’s transition, leading to yet more challenges down the road.
This brings us to a quandary. Both research and the lived experience of people in the trans community tell us the same thing: Strong, affirmative support systems are vital to bolstering one’s mental health through transition. However, the family and significant others who make up that support system are seldom prepared to provide that care, however much they may love their children or partners. And how could they, when narratives around transness are so scattered in the public consciousness, with so much attention fixated on sports and bathroom bans and comparatively little on education?
And that’s exactly why I wanted to write this: a short primer on what to expect when a partner comes out to you, steps you can take to process the change, and how to show up as a loving partner for your significant other.
Understanding Common Reactions to a Loved One’s Transition
Whether you’re a partner or parent, the disclosure of a loved one’s transition can be upending. It can challenge the very foundation of who you thought they were. Suddenly, it feels as if everything has changed, gone, and you had no say in it. This, of course, can be incredibly destabilizing, however well-meaning and supportive of trans people you may be.
As a dabbler in geography, I like to use a cartographical metaphor: when we’re in a relationship with someone—whether that’s a partner, sibling, friend, or boss—we start to draw a map of this person in our minds. Every new fact we learn about the person gets added to the map, filling out all the topographical features, landmarks, and borders. It starts to become familiar and navigable. Sometimes we might need to make small adjustments to it, but we understand the shape of it.
Bigger discrepancies, though, may be more difficult to integrate. For some, a significant other’s coming out may feel less like “actually, these mountains are further north” and more “you’re not even in the right country, this whole map is wrong.” You’re now in uncharted territory and may feel the need to draw the map all over again. Questions might arise: what happens to the old map of the place you loved? What if I don’t like this new place? What if I can’t find my way around? What if I don’t belong there?
When confronted with changes of this magnitude, it’s normal to experience a variety of feelings, many of which might be difficult to process:
● Confusion: Wondering what this means for your relationship, your partner’s identity, or your future together. Their transition may also prompt questions about your own identity. For example, if you’re a lesbian and your partner identifies as a man, what does that mean for you? Especially when things are fresh, you might be filled with questions that your partner may not be ready or able to answer.
● Grief: Many people experience their partner’s transition, at least initially, as a kind of loss. You might find yourself mourning the version of the relationship you thought you were in or the vision you had for the future. As with other kinds of loss, the Kübler-Ross stages of grief can be a helpful model for contextualizing your experience, with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance all potentially coming into play.
● Fear: Uncertainty often brings with it fear and anxiety. You don’t know how this is going to play out and neither does your partner. As with confusion, you may feel compelled to have your trans partner allay these fears by giving you promises of certainty, but it is imperative to understand that transition is an ongoing, organic process.
● Feelings of betrayal: Not because your partner intended to mislead you, but because you may question why they didn’t share their feelings sooner or feel blindsided by the change. This may not be a particularly flattering emotion, but it’s nonetheless important to acknowledge it without judgment. Although such feelings may feel inappropriate or unfair, we don’t need to be the thought police. Our emotional responses are not in our conscious control and stuffing them down only makes them more persistent. Feelings are fleeting; what matters is how you actually show up and treat your partner.
● Love and Gratitude: Your partner felt safe enough to share this incredibly vulnerable part of themselves with you. Even if parts of their disclosure may feel destabilizing and painful, that does not cancel out the love you have for each other.
How to Begin Processing These Feelings
“Processing” can be one of those terms that gets used a lot without clear definitions as to what it means. Here, we can think of it as making sense of an internal experience, often making connections between our feelings, body sensations, thoughts, beliefs, values, behaviors, and life experiences. We can learn to feel and allow difficult emotions to exist, without being subjugated by them, and integrate new life experiences. Here are some ways that you might work through your reactions to a partner coming out as trans:
● Acknowledge your emotions without judgment. Very often, when we attempt to circumvent our feelings—either by ignoring them, denying them, or cutting ourselves off from them—we end up inadvertently granting them even more power over our lives. It can be difficult, but sometimes what we actually need is to name the feeling and allow ourselves to feel it without passing judgment on it. Sometimes, this also means acknowledging that contradictory feelings can exist at the same time.
● Give yourself time. Your partner may have been exploring their gender identity internally for years; you’re just beginning the journey. Although it can be shocking at first, transition isn’t an emergency and there is often no need to make rash decisions about the relationship.
● Expose yourself to transness. Especially for people with little exposure to LGBTQ+ culture, it may be tempting to compartmentalize and seek spaces where you don’t need to think about your partner’s transition. It’s fine to give yourself breaks, however, when done in excess, avoidance strategies such as these may limit your ability to adequately process the transition. Instead, try to gradually expose yourself to trans culture: read books written by trans authors (fiction or nonfiction), watch videos with trans Youtubers, follow a trans blogger’s substack. Over time, this helps your brain switch from “I don’t know what any of this is and I’m scared” to “This is tough, but pretty normal.”
● Engage in self-reflective practices. Therapy, journaling, and workbooks (such as The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People) can be effective ways to disentangle and put your feelings into context.
Lastly, if you’re seeking therapy, try to find a clinician with experience working with the trans community, as they will be more equipped to understand your situation. Here at Prospect Therapy, we’ve been lucky to assemble a community of queer and trans affirming therapists, ready to support trans individuals, their partners, and families when they need it most.
Read more about trans affirming therapy here.
Read more about couples therapy here.
Read more about therapy with Tiffany here.