by Wanda Diep, LCSW.
When it comes to building and strengthening meaningful relationships, mattering plays a huge role. It’s one thing to say “you matter to me,” but there’s a different sense of security when this is felt.
Back in the 1980s, a couple researchers by the names of McCullogh and Rosenberg broke down mattering into three parts: attention, importance and dependence. It’s updated now to a version of awareness, importance and reliance. Let’s look at the three components a little more closely:
Awareness. Attention. Noticing.
This can be as simple as noticing someone in the room or taking interest in what someone has to share. This can be one of the quickest ways to connect with another person. The experience of mattering does not require a deep and long-lasting relationship. A person that you’ve just met and may only know for a few minutes can matter to you. In turn, you can also matter to someone in the same way.
You can extend your attention by asking a question, listening intently and engaging with what someone has to share. This is applicable with a new friend or a long-time partner. A couple weeks ago, I went to a birthday party of a friend of a friend of a friend. That is to say, I didn’t really know anyone. Then, at one point, the birthday host turned over to me and asked me a simple question — probably something along the lines of where I live currently. Immediately, I noticed my general comfort grew. I knew logically that I was welcomed there, but, now, I felt that welcomeness and I was more engaged.
There’s something to noticing, paying attention and acknowledging someone’s presence. It can go a long way in building and helping to sustain a relationship.
Importance. Significant. Meaningful.
As people begin to share experiences with one another (or group of people), a sense of significance can grow. People may begin a relationship by noticing that interests, goals or even schedules are shared. Over time, these commonalities can grow and you notice that you share similar views, values and sources of meaning. You start to notice that you cherish this person and/or you notice they cherish you.
The way significance is shown reminds me of how people discuss love languages. Spending intentional time together, exchanging touch, caring for one another through acts of service, sharing words of affirmation and/or gifts can be ways to communicate: “I want to share this with you. You are important to me. You are a significant part of my life.”
Reliance. Dependence. Trust.
When it comes to relationships, trust is a huge element. According to the Julie and John Gottman (researchers on all things relationships), trust is viewed as the walls of a relationship. Building trust includes both showing up for someone and also allowing someone to show up for you. Relying on another person can be challenging especially for those who have learned that it’s important to focus on doing your part and making it easier for others. If I’m honest, I was surprised by this when I first learned about mattering. You show someone that they matter to you by depending on them? What?
As I thought about it, it started to make more sense. It’s one thing to show up for someone and communicate that they matter to you. It’s another piece in a relationship to express vulnerability and ask to rely on someone else, in other words, to ask for their help. When we ask others for help, it’s a way to communicate that their words and actions have an impact — they matter. As my partner says, you want to be meaningful to another person.
Now, there’s definitely a balance. Too much attention, significance and reliance can begin to feel heavy. Not enough can make a person question their significance. Getting to know these elements are ways to get to know not only what your wants and needs are when it comes to mattering to another person, but also what can be helpful in deepening your relationship with someone else.
Read more about therapy with Wanda here.
Read more about couples therapy here.
Rosenberg, M., & McCullough, B. C. (1981). Mattering: Inferred significance and mental health among adolescents. Research in Community & Mental Health, 2, 163–182.
Elliott, G., Kao, S., & Grant, A. M. (2004). Mattering: Empirical Validation of a Social-Psychological Concept. Self and Identity, 3(4), 339–354. https://doi.org/10.1080/13576500444000119
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., Cole, D. L., & Cole, C. U. (2022). Conceptualization in the Gottman Method of Couple Therapy. In T. D. Eells (Ed.), Handbook of psychotherapy case formulation (3rd ed., pp. 445–480). The Guilford Press.