Growing up as an immigrant or a child of immigrants is so much more than language barriers or culture shock. While the embarrassment of bringing your traditional food to school for lunch instead of Wonderbread seemed like the extent of it, growing up trying to balance different cultures can lead to some seriously complex issues.
Issues that immigrants face can obviously include depression, anxiety, relationship problems, feeling unfulfilled at work, being isolated, or having a limited social circle…. But you (and your therapist) often don’t think to connect these to the experience of being an immigrant.
HELLO, complicated family feelings can absolutely lead to these things!
If you grew up in a bicultural home, you may feel some seriously conflicted feelings of both gratitude and obligation to the sacrifices your parents made. If you start experiencing the typical American rites of passage into adulthood - trying to date, learning to drive, getting a job - your choices may feel like you’re being disloyal to your family, your culture, and somehow, your entire country.
Sure, all kinds of parents can be over-protective. Some families may expect you to work (or stay home) depending on your age, gender, or the type of work you want to do. But immigrant communities have an added layer of stress built in, that other people don’t have to contend with. Getting a car or a diploma means so much more to us, and it may not necessarily be seen as a good thing.
Where do you go when you don’t know where you fit in?
Mainstream culture - might be elevated and seen as aspirational. Your family may want to erase the fact that they are immigrants, do everything they can to blend in, and expect you to do the same.
Or the “outside world” may be seen as untrustworthy and dangerous. Your family may resent the fact that you want to blend in and just be a “generic” person.
No doubt, people with accents, uncommon names, or deeper skin tone experience microaggressions on a daily basis. You might not blame your family for wanting to be a part of mainstream culture, especially if it feels safer to do so. But sometimes staying among your own community feels like the safer thing to do.
How does this affect your mental health?
Parents are acculturating at a different rate than their kids who are born or raised in America, and they really just want what’s best for you. But the accompanying ambivalence and inner conflict can lead to internalized feelings of unease, and can impact so many aspects of your life and relationships.
Things like choosing a more “palatable” name, only speaking English, choosing an unexpected career, avoiding cultural social circles, or even your romantic preferences are all places this conflict can manifest.
Some of the major feelings that surround the first generation immigrant experience are feeling invisible and not belonging anywhere. You may feel unseen, like nobody understands your struggle. It can feel like you have one foot in each world, trying to jump between two cultures but never belonging in either.
There are so many things that can trigger these feelings, and it may be different for every individual. Some examples include:
Not feeling welcome in your family’s community because you think “I’m too American”
Having to hide parts of your identity so you don’t “confuse” people
Dealing with cultural pressures from family (“We didn’t sacrifice our lives for you NOT to become a doctor”)
Other people not understanding the cultural context you grew up in
Experiencing conflict between your life goals and values compared to the goals and values of your family or cultural community
Being ostracized or excluded from your community because you’re “different”
All of these can be extremely heavy burdens to bear, but you are not alone.
The goal is finding a healthy balance of what you love and want from both your culture and American culture. It is totally possible to have the best of both worlds! But finding this balance isn’t as easy as grabbing it from the dollar section at Target.
So how do I fix it?
When finding that perfect blend of old and new, you need to focus on two things: honesty and consciousness.
Finding an actual balance between the two cultures, especially if they’re drastically different, requires a serious amount of honesty, especially with yourself. You need to tap into what really works for you. It can be really easy to slip into habits or choices that make everyone else happy but yourself. It can be scary to forge your own path. It may feel easier to compromise what you want to fit in, and sometimes it is. But often, this is only a band-aid solution. Being honest about what you want will ensure you are on the right path to being happier for the long-term.
At the end of the day, your family wants you to be happy and successful. Find ways to compromise, and understand that you’re both working toward that same goal. Ideally, you can fulfill what they want for you, AND what you want for yourself. While on the surface it may seem that your goals are at odds, underneath it all, you and your family actually want a lot of the same things.
Finding your balance consciously is necessary to make sure you are actually fulfilling that truthful part. Seek out what you need with intention, rather than as a reaction to others. If you let life make the decisions for you because of indifference, you will settle for what’s good enough instead of what could be great. Seeking out the right support for finding your happy medium between cultures will ensure you are finding your balance in the best way possible.
This doesn’t mean you have to turn your back on your background. It also doesn’t mean you aren’t American.
If you grew up facing any of these stressors, you know this journey isn’t easy. Maybe you have never actually considered what you want instead of what other people want for you. Maybe you’re not sure how to connect with these concepts.
We can help get you there.
We work with a wide variety of clients, but many of our clients are of Asian or Latinx descent. They tell us that they've met with other therapists who were "fine," but that they didn't really get it.
We understand that you can't just say, "Tell your mom to get out of your business!" or "Hmm, that sounds like a co-dependent relationship," and call it a day. That just doesn’t work with immigrant family members! Let us help you find your healthy balance.
For those interested, we have familiarity with Islam and Muslim cultures, but are not religious therapists. We also have familiarity with South Asian and East Asian American cultures. Many people of biracial experience or in multi-ethnic relationships also find that a therapist who sees through this lens is able to help them get to the root of the issue.
If you're feeling like you're a constant "disappointment" to your family, even though you're actually doing pretty well, let's talk about it!
Call us for a free consultation at (562) 704-4736, or click below to send us a message. Prospect Therapy welcomes individuals and couples of all genders and orientations in Long Beach, Seal Beach, and surrounding areas.