by Andrew Kravig, LMFT.
In my time working with those suffering from addiction, I have found one truth to be consistently overlooked—not by those struggling, but by the systems, narratives, and even treatments surrounding them: The absence of self-compassion.
Addiction is not a choice. It is not a moral failing. It is not, at its core, about substances or behaviors. Addiction is a response—a deeply human response—to pain. It is an attempt to soothe wounds that may not even be remembered, to quiet voices of shame that have echoed for decades, and to reclaim, if only briefly, a sense of agency in a world that once felt out of control.
Yet despite this, those struggling with addiction are often met with judgment—from others, certainly, but most tragically, from themselves.
“Why can’t I stop?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I should know better.”
These inner narratives are not only unhelpful—they are harmful. They mirror the very conditions that gave rise to the pain in the first place: Shame, disconnection, and the internalized belief that one is not worthy of love unless they are fixed, sober, or “better.”
But healing does not begin with sobriety. It begins with seeing oneself—not as a problem to be solved, but as a person to be understood.
The Roots Beneath the Surface of Addiction
When we look at addiction with compassionate curiosity, we start to see beyond the behavior and into the biography. We begin to ask: What happened to you? rather than What’s wrong with you?
In nearly every case, addiction is rooted in trauma—not necessarily dramatic, headline-making trauma, but often the subtle, chronic wounds of neglect, emotional abandonment, or growing up unseen. A child who does not feel safe in their emotional world learns to suppress their true self. And over time, what gets buried returns in the form of pain, anxiety, or a profound sense of emptiness.
Addiction steps in as a temporary balm, a salve. It offers, for a moment, what the person longed for: relief, connection, control, or numbness. And in this light, we can begin to see addiction not as the enemy, but as a coping mechanism—misguided, yes, but deeply human.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Addiction
This is where self-compassion becomes not only relevant, but essential.
Self-compassion is not about condoning harmful behaviors. It is not indulgence or avoidance. It is the courageous act of turning toward oneself with kindness in moments of suffering. It says: Yes, this hurts. And yes, you are still worthy.
In my experience, no one shames themselves into healing. But many have begun to heal the moment they allowed themselves to be seen—not through the eyes of judgment, but through the lens of understanding.
When we cultivate self-compassion, we disrupt the cycle of internal violence. We create space between the impulse and the action. We learn to ask, “What am I feeling right now?” instead of, “How do I make this go away?”
And in that pause—in that gentle noticing—there is immense power.
Practical Steps Toward self-Compassion
For those struggling with addiction, self-compassion may feel foreign, even threatening. Many have internalized the belief that they do not deserve kindness. But compassion is not a reward for good behavior. It is the soil in which healing can take root.
Here are a few ways to begin:
1. Name the Pain Without Judgment — Instead of saying, “I’m weak,” try, “I’m in pain.” This subtle shift moves us from self-blame to self-awareness.
2. Connect with the Inner Child — Visualize yourself at the age you first began to feel unsafe or unseen. Would you shame that child, or would you offer them comfort? You are still that child, deserving of care.
3. Seek Safe Connection — Healing happens in relationship. Whether through therapy, recovery groups, or trusted friendships, allow others to bear witness to your story.
4. Pause with Curiosity — When the urge to use arises, ask, “What am I trying to avoid?” or “What do I need right now?” Even if you act on the urge, the act of questioning plants the seed of awareness.
You Are Not Broken
Let me say what perhaps no one has said to you: You are not broken. Your pain makes sense. Your behavior, while it may have consequences, has roots that are understandable. And most importantly—you are still here. That is no small thing.
Self-compassion is not a luxury on this path. It is a necessity. It is the light we carry into the darkest places, not to banish the shadows, but to see them clearly. And when we see clearly, we can begin to choose differently—not from fear or shame, but from self-love.
You don’t need to be fixed. You need to be held—by yourself, first and foremost, with the tenderness you may never have received but always deserved.
Healing begins there.
Read more about therapy with Andrew here.