by Tiffany Hooton, LMFT.
If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, you’ve probably learned that grand romantic gestures, while nice, can’t alone sustain a loving relationship; more often, it’s the subtler, everyday interactions that dictate much of how we feel with our partners: How you greet each other at the end of a long day, the small ways you show up, inside jokes, and a reliable shoulder to lean on when times are tough. Over time, those moments create a kind of emotional reserve. In the Gottman Method of couples therapy, we call this the emotional bank account.
The idea is simple, but profound: Every interaction between partners either deposits into or withdraws from that account. Warmth, affection, and attention all add to your balance. Criticism, dismissal, and neglect take away from it. When your emotional bank account is full, it’s easier to weather stress, misunderstandings, and conflict because you’re drawing from a well of trust and goodwill. Conversely, when it’s low, even small infractions may be enough to cause a disgruntled partner to rethink their relationship.
And, for queer and trans relationships, as well as other marginalized groups, who may already be carrying the emotional toll of navigating an often unkind world, these daily “deposits” can mean so much more, as a strong, trusting relationship (romantic or not) is sometimes our most reliable source of support and affirmation.
Emotional Bids: Turning Toward Each Other
In every relationship, partners make what the Gottmans call bids for connection. These bids are the small, everyday ways we reach out for closeness: sharing a meme, asking for an opinion, brushing a hand across a shoulder. Sometimes they’re so subtle, they’re easy to miss.
Each time a bid happens, we have a choice:
● We can turn toward it—respond, smile, engage.
● We can turn away—ignore or overlook it.
● Or we can turn against—react with irritation or criticism.
Turning toward your partner’s bids doesn’t mean being endlessly attentive, perfect, or abandoning yourself. It means noticing when they’re reaching out and responding in kind. “Hey, look at this!” becomes a small moment of shared humor. “Can you help me with this?” becomes a moment of teamwork. Other times still it can mean answering honestly when you need to decline.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that couples who stay emotionally connected respond positively to bids most of the time, which means that there’s no need to aim for perfection. Instead, focus on being consistent and present.
It’s easy to underestimate how much these moments matter. But over weeks and years, they form the emotional scaffolding that holds a relationship together.
The Power of RitualS For Couples
Another way to invest in your relationship is by creating rituals of connection—small, predictable habits that remind you both that your relationship is a priority. These rituals can be as simple or elaborate as you want:
● A morning coffee together before the day starts.
● A quick “How was your day?” check-in every evening.
● Friday movie nights. Sunday walks. A shared playlist you update together.
For many queer couples, rituals of connection are acts of resilience. They carve out space where their love is celebrated—sometimes in contrast to hostile sociopolitical realities. They become small declarations: This is our life, and we’re in it together.
You don’t need to force ritual into something rigid. It’s less about the activity itself and more about the meaning behind it: Finding your rhythm as a couple, even when life feels unpredictable.
Don’t Forget to Play as partners
When was the last time you laughed together? Like, couldn’t catch your breath, eyes-watering kind of laughter? Or shared a giggle over an inside joke?
Too often, payfulness slips away as relationships mature and the daily stressors pile up around us, always demanding more of our attention. In our effort to be responsible adults, we sometimes forget that there is more to life than the interminable merry-go-round of student loan bills and unwashed dishes. But play can be a much needed bulwark against mundanity.
What a couple considers play, of course, can be as varied as the people engaging in it and encompasses everything from a rousing game of gin rummy to attending a local kink event. Try something new. Revisit something old that used to make you both smile. The specifics don’t matter; the important thing is that you’re enjoying your time together.
All this said, the emotional bank account is really just a metaphor for something deeply human: the way small, intentional acts of care add up to something enduring. When we turn toward our partners, build rituals that affirm our bond, and make room for joy, we’re investing in a sense of safety and belonging that can carry us through almost anything.
If you and your partner feel disconnected, know that repair is always possible. Relationships aren’t fixed or static—they’re living things that respond to care. A few small changes can make a big difference. If you’re ready to start investing in your emotional bank account, couples therapy (especially with a Gottman trained couples therapist) can help you come up with a realistic framework for the next six weeks.
Read more about couples therapy here.
Read more about therapy with Tiffany here.