by Tiffany Hooton, LMFT.
In a previous post (which you can find here), we discussed some common reactions a person might experience when their significant other first comes out to them as trans or gender questioning as well as ways to begin unpacking some of those more complicated tangles of emotions. This, however, only scratches the surface when it comes to navigating transition in relationships.
For instance, even as you work through your own feelings on the matter, other questions may arise concerning how exactly to support your partner, what kinds of changes to expect from transition, and how to manage and attend to your own needs alongside being there for someone else. This might sound like a lot when you take it all together, but it’s important to understand that, as with most things in life, the goal here is not perfection. Rather, what we want to do is foster an environment where both people in the relationship can feel safe, understood, and have room for all parties to evolve and adapt to change—ideally, something that we’d want for our relationships regardless of gender identity.
To help facilitate this, here are a few more ways we can learn to show up for our partner and our selves:
Be an Effective Ally and Partner
One of the biggest hurdles that we face when dealing with something new is the tendency to convince ourselves that we need to have it all figured out before we can actually do the thing. It’s an understandable reaction: you don’t want to mess anything up or say the wrong thing. Uncertainty can be uncomfortable. Terrifying, even. However, when we give into this fear we can also lose out on vital opportunities to grow and cut ourselves off from meaningful connections.
Instead, let’s remember that while you’re processing your own emotions and reactions, you can still be present for your partner. Gender exploration, while a necessary and transformative process, can also be a vulnerable and uncertain time for the person coming out, and knowing their partner is trying to understand can make a world of difference.
Ways to Support Your Partner
● Exercise your listening skills. Give space for your partner to share what they’re feeling, wondering, and hoping for. Although it may sometimes be difficult, when you open up to what your partner is telling you and tune into their world, it also gives you a chance to better understand the situation. It’s okay if you don’t fully comprehend what they’re going through, often just the act of listening is enough.
● Ask supportive, open-ended questions, such as:
○ “How long have you been feeling this way?”
○ “What helps you feel affirmed?”
○ “What do you need from me right now?”
○ “What kinds of things might help you feel more supported?”
● Practice using their chosen name and pronouns. Know that it will probably feel strange in the beginning; this is normal. Your brain is used to thinking of your partner in a certain way and it takes time and repetition to make new associations. There may be times where you accidentally use their old name or misgender them; in fact, we can pretty much expect that this will happen at one point or another. What matters is sincere, consistent effort and willingness to correct yourself when those slip ups happen. Practice seeing your partner as who they are, rather than trying to memorize the right words to say.
● Educate Yourself. If you’re not already familiar with LGBTQ issues, getting acquainted with trans-specific identities, terminology, and experiences can be an excellent way to both increase your own sense of comfort as well as communicate to your partner that you’re invested in them. Julia Serano’s gender, sexuality, & activism glossary, for instance, is an excellent resource for most trans-related terms!
● Let the process unfold. Gender exploration and transition are often nonlinear in nature. Although there are common steps people might take as they settle into their identities, there is no one-size-fits all approach or timeline to transition. Your partner may experiment with expression (such as clothing, hair, speech patterns, etc.), pronouns, or social changes before they’re ready to define things more concretely. Or, conversely, they may wish to move forward with medical transition first before addressing social aspects.
Whatever happens, it is crucial to bear in mind that this is their process. Some of it may be uncomfortable, some of it you may not feel ready for. As their partner, it makes sense to share your feelings and have honest discussions about timelines, expectations, and potential concerns, however we must also learn to accept that we’re not the one in control. Just as we wouldn’t want someone else to dictate our own identity, we don’t get to negotiate someone else’s.
Be Cautious and Communicative
Navigating transition with a partner can be tricky, especially in the beginning, which is why clear, open communication is especially important. As you move through this process it’s likely, for example, that you may want or need to talk about how you’re feeling with someone else; however, we want to be mindful about how we go about these conversations to avoid unintentionally outing your partner. You may want to discuss and periodically check in with your partner regarding who they’re comfortable knowing about their gender identity and transition. This is where having neutral, confidential spaces such as therapy and support groups can be particularly helpful.
Attend to Your Needs
Many partners put their own needs aside in an effort to be supportive. But your emotional experience matters just as much, and taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential. When partners get support, relationships tend to thrive, communication improves, and both people feel more grounded.
Ways to Support Your Own Wellbeing
● Find your own space to process. Journal, write, utilize workbooks, make art, stay connected to your emotions—there are a multitude of ways to process change. Likewise, LGBTQ-affirming therapy or support groups specifically for partners of transgender people can be invaluable. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
● Notice your limits and boundaries. Supporting someone you love is meaningful, but no one can pour from an empty cup. Setting gentle emotional boundaries may help you stay connected in a sustainable way. There may be times when you need a break from discussing their transition in order to make sense of it all—just be sure to communicate this with your partner and set limits around it, such as a discrete start and end time.
● Stay connected to your own life. Hobbies, friendships, routines, and downtime can help regulate your nervous system during a time of big change. Yes, your partner is important, and you can have your own life.
Moving Forward Together
When one partner comes out as transgender, both people in the relationship move through a transition. It’s normal to feel unsure, to grieve, to worry, and to love fiercely at the same time. With support, communication, and compassion—for yourself and for each other—it’s possible to navigate this journey with stability and connection. Many couples find that the relationship becomes more authentic and grounded as each person is allowed to be their full self.
If you’re navigating this process and want a space to explore your emotions, ask questions, and find clarity, queer- and trans-affirming therapy like the kind we offer at Prospect Therapy can help. Our skilled, licensed therapists are here to support you and your partner through this transition with care, understanding, and hope.
Read more about trans affirming therapy here.
Read more about couples therapy here.
Read more about therapy with Tiffany here.