by Tiffany Hooton, LMFT.
Here’s a tip for all the competitive baddies out there: you can never lose an argument that you’re not trying to win.
Of course, although it can be tempting for anyone, regardless of identity, to dig in one’s heels in an argument, I want to speak directly to those in queer relationships because sometimes it’s the calluses we’ve built up to protect ourselves from the world that distance us from the ones we love most. As queer people, whose very identities are politicized, there is strength in standing firm in our convictions, in not giving an inch to those who threaten and invalidate our existence, but even this can come at a cost when hypervigilance causes us to lose the ability to distinguish friend from foe. Because, when you haven’t felt listened to and when your own truths are so often denied—by family, acquaintances, and institutions—it can feel reckless to give those freely to others. Just as it can be difficult to access and offer vulnerability in the midst of disagreement if you cannot trust that gift won’t be weaponized against you.
There is, however, another way. In fact, some of the most well-researched tools in couples therapy, from the Gottman Method to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), work wonderfully for queer relationships, whatever form they take. Maybe they’ll work for you too.
Stop Arguing, Start Listening: Why Queer Couples Get Stuck in Conflict
While many of us realize the core of most conflict often goes deeper than the surface-level disagreement that first incited it, the impulse to defend our side can blind us to the reality that it’s more often how we argue, not what the argument was about, that makes the biggest difference in how long a conflict persists and how we feel about the relationship after. But where does that defensiveness come from, and is there a way to circumvent it?
The first common roadblock to listening can be found in our bodies, in the activation of the stress response, or what the Gottmans call flooding. Your heart rate spikes, stress hormones surge, and the thoughtful, curious part of your brain is stifled. It’s a natural response to feeling threatened and, because the human brain can’t always differentiate actual threats from perceived emotional or relational ones, this may happen even if it doesn’t feel warranted—this may particularly be the case for those of us with a history of trauma, as many queer people have. Because this process is largely out of one’s conscious control, it is important to have compassion for yourself when it comes up. Even if it is uncomfortable and, at times, inconvenient, the stress response exists for a reason. Where we often go wrong, however, is in trying to ignore it and pressing on despite our compromised ability to make considered choices.
Feeling unheard is another common barrier to listening. Most of us have a deep desire to feel heard and understood in our relationships, it helps us to feel connected and signals to us that our partners care and are here for us. Although the occasional miscommunication is a normal and expected part of being in relationship with others, when you’ve been in the position of having to defend your existence over and over—again, as many queer people have—going unheard can feel like digging at an old wound. We may even give up on being heard altogether, shutting down or focusing instead on being right. Likewise, if your partner keeps reiterating the same point over and over, that’s a sign that they may not be feeling listened to either.
If you notice you and your partner running in circles in an argument, it may be your cue to slow down and take a closer look at what’s going on. Take time to pause and come back when your nervous system has calmed.
What Are You Really Fighting About? Understanding Attachment Needs in Relationships
Once you're calm, take a moment to slow down and tap into your natural curiosity. Check in with yourself. Tune in to what's going on in your mind, heart, and body. Is there something that’s getting lost? Where is your focus—is it solely on arguing your point or is there enough space for more than one perspective? If not, this may be something to investigate. Perhaps your mind is telling a story that they don't care. Perhaps you feel lonely, dismissed, or angry. What's going on underneath the anger and loneliness? Is it familiar?
Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, suggests that most of our big fights are really about our attachment needs, which she helpfully summarized using the mnemonic A.R.E.:
Accessibility: Can I reach you? Are you there for me?
Responsiveness: Do you respond to my emotional cues? Do I matter to you?
Engagement: Do I feel your presence and care? Am I valued?
Seen through this lens, the criticism "You never help around the house" might mean something like "Are you on my team?" or “Can I count on you?” Similarly, "You're always working" might be "Do I still matter to you?" This can provide valuable insight into what’s missing and what can be done to repair ruptures in the relationship.
As an exercise, think back to a difficult conversation and finish this sentence privately: "Underneath my frustration, I'm feeling ______, and what I really need is ______."
How to Use the Gottman Gentle Start-Up to Communicate Without Criticism
Here’s where we muster our bravery and make the choice to be vulnerable, because what good is all this insight if we don’t make use of it? Thankfully, the Gottmans have a simple technique called the gentle start-up, a way of opening conversations that emphasizes communicating feelings, accurately describing the situation rather than your partner's character, and reframing complaints into positive requests. It goes like this: "I feel ___ about ___, and I need / can you ___."
Compare these:
Harsh start-up: "You’re always so glued to your phone!"
Gentle start-up: "I felt lonely at dinner tonight, sometimes I really just feel like I don’t matter. Can we put our phones away and catch up?"
Notice that the gentle start-up is a request (for connection) rather than a critique (phone use). This gives your partner a clear, actionable way to show up for you without putting them on the defensive. Conversely, when you're the one listening, try reflecting: "I didn’t realize how lonely you’d been feeling, but I hear you want more time together. Is that right?" When done right, this can be an effective way of communicating and addressing unmet attachment needs.
How to "Win" an Argument: Turning Conflict Into Connection
You "win" an argument when both of you walk away feeling heard and understood. This happens when we soothe our bodies, get curious about the needs underneath our pain, and share them with honesty. Every time we repair and choose to listen, we build the trust that lets our heart open and love deeply.
If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same painful loop, you don't have to untangle it alone. As a therapist who works with LGBTQ+ individuals and couples, I'd be honored to help you build these skills together. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation, and let's start moving from perpetual arguments to real connection.
Frequently Asked Questions About Communication for Queer Couples
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Yes. Tools from the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy are built around how all of us respond to stress and what we need from the people we love, and they work across all kinds of relationships. A queer-affirming therapist can also help you account for the things that are specific to queer relationships, like minority stress, family rejection, or a nervous system that has learned to stay on guard.
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Take a break. If your heart is racing or you can’t think straight, you’re likely flooded, and no one does their best listening in that state. Let your partner know you need a pause and when you’ll come back, then spend at least 20 minutes doing something that calms your body before picking the conversation back up.
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It’s a Gottman Method technique for bringing up something hard without putting your partner on the defensive. Instead of criticizing who they are, you name how you feel, describe the specific situation, and make a clear request: “I feel ___ about ___, and I need ___.”
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You don’t have to wait for a crisis. If the two of you keep having the same fight, if arguments escalate quickly, or if one of you tends to shut down, a couples therapist can help you slow things down and find the needs underneath the conflict. Working with someone who understands LGBTQ+ relationships means you won’t have to explain or defend your relationship before getting help with it.
Read more about therapy with Tiffany here.
Learn more about couples therapy in Long Beach at Prospect Therapy.