couples therapy, relationships
Sara Stanizai
How to Never Lose an Argument with Your ...

You can never lose an argument you’re not trying to win. Tiffany Hooton, LMFT, shares tools from the Gottman Method and EFT to help queer couples slow down, listen, and turn conflict into connection.

How to Never Lose an Argument with Your Partner: Communication Strategies for Queer Couples
trauma, relationships
Sara Stanizai
Is It Your Culture, or Is It Your Family?

by Sara Stanizai, LMFT.

In part one, I wrote about why the guilt and grief that show up when you change your relationship with your family aren't fully yours to begin with, they're often inherited, carried feelings that started with a parent and got handed down. If you haven't read that piece yet, start there.

Here's where it gets more complicated: Once you start questioning a pattern in your family, it's easy to start wondering whether you're questioning your whole culture instead.

Is It Your Culture, or Is It Your Family?
trauma
Sara Stanizai
Why You Feel Guilty When You Change Your ...

By Sara Stanizai, LMFT.

If you've been in therapy, or just read a lot about it online, and then started trying to make some changes with your family — saying no to things, questioning expectations, even putting yourself first — you know it's not just a clean sweep and you feel better immediately. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't feel like that.

Guilt and grief show up the second you do something for yourself. That swooping, heavy feeling right when you finally make some space, right when you finally say no to something you used to automatically say yes to.

It makes sense, you did a mean thing, and now you feel bad. Except, no, it doesn't.

You probably expect your therapist to tell you not to feel bad, that you're not actually doing a mean thing. But especially for certain cultures, that doesn't really apply. Saying "don't feel bad" isn't really therapeutic.

What I actually want to tell you is: that guilt is not yours. It's your parent's.

And hopefully after you read this, that heavy, too-fast guilt is going to make a lot more sense, along with what to actually do about it.

Why You Feel Guilty When You Change Your Relationship With Your Family
Sara Stanizai
Millennials are thinking about kids all the time

by Brianna Patti, LMFT.

If you were born between 1981 and 1996 and haven't decided whether or not you want kids, you're in good company.

Millennials are thinking about kids all the time
anxiety
Sara Stanizai
How to Practice Acceptance When You Can't ...

by Wanda Diep, LCSW.

I've been reflecting on uncertainty and acceptance quite a bit lately. In both my personal and professional life, I hear people talk about uncertainty related to finances, job security, relationships, the climate, politics, etc. (I can definitely go on), and how this uncertainty has been fuel for anxiety, rumination, catastrophizing thoughts, frustration outward or anger inward. People search for solutions to alleviate the distress, and as a fellow human being, I've definitely leaned into a solution-oriented mindset to find relief. But what happens when there doesn't seem to be a concrete solution? What is to be done when it's hard to find certainty or have control or influence over a situation? This is when acceptance can be a tool to try.

How to Practice Acceptance When You Can't Control the Outcome

I'm Not Too Cool for a New Year's Resolution

I'm Not Too Cool for a New Year's Resolution

December 31 is my favorite day of the year! No matter what we've been through, tomorrow is a new day.

Everyone's talking about goal-setting right about now. I'm not too cool to join in. No matter how difficult things are, setting a vision and intention helps me feel like I have some agency over the things in my life. Even when — ESPECIALLY WHEN — most things feel really out of my hands.

I love dreaming about the future and creating my life around that vision. It doesn’t always go as planned. Sometimes it goes WAY OFF track. And sometimes that vision changes without me realizing it.

Even if it feels unrealistic, indulgent, or hopeless. I would much rather be married to my hopes and dreams than be married to my struggle.

Dreaming doesn’t mean ignoring oppression and obstacles. We can be painfully cognizant of the myriad reasons why things are difficult. Often more difficult for us than for others. We have no choice but to acknowledge them, and we should.

But we can also look past those barriers. It’s not like instilling hope means I will accidentally forget what’s holding me back. I’m reminded of those obstacles every day.

We can hold our baggage and our plane ticket at the same time.

If you have the courage and vulnerability to say "This is what I want for myself,” I’m rooting for you. Here are some of my best reminders for setting your goals, whenever you’re ready to start.

Mental Health Considerations for Bicultural People

Mental Health Considerations for Bicultural People

It’s hard to find a balance between a culture you know and one you embrace once you immigrate somewhere new. This dichotomy is difficult internally as you categorize and organize and make sense of everything you’ve known and everything you’re learning. This struggle can be a heavy burden to bear on it’s own, but it becomes even harder when other people are involved.

This can lead to a type of impostor syndrome for first-generation Americans. People who feel like they are not “_____” enough for any setting often begin questioning other parts of their identity and hide things about themselves that are not part of the dominant culture. This creates space for internalizing other people’s messages about who they are, and can contribute to some serious self-doubt.

What Kind of Therapist Do You Want?

What Kind of Therapist Do You Want?

Choosing a therapist can be a PROCESS. You most likely aren’t looking for someone to talk about the weather with. This person will be learning about your life experiences, your trauma, your deepest fears and insecurities, and maybe even your wildest thoughts. There is a deep level of intimacy and trust that has to be built and maintained.

Though it is entirely professional, it is still a relationship that can be incredibly impactful and profound on your life. Sometimes it can feel like trying to pick your soulmate without even meeting them. And we’ve all seen those shows on Netflix… that shit does NOT always work so well.

There are many different types of therapists out there, with a variety of specialties, experiences, backgrounds, educations, schools of thought, and even couch styles or Zoom backgrounds. It’s important to do some research on the styles and schools of therapy. This will help you know what to expect when it comes to the literal format of the sessions. Doing your homework can be useful sometimes, I promise.

Is it OK to cut ties with Toxic Family Members?

Is it OK to cut ties with Toxic Family Members?

The most intimate - and most conflicted - relationships many of us have are with our family members.

So, what happens when a family member’s behavior makes you uncomfortable — to the point where it borders on abusive? Many people struggle with telling the difference, especially when it comes to family. People are often encouraged to give extra slack to people simply because they are related. That’s bullshit!

If you are uncomfortable because of a family member’s behavior, you don’t need to suffer in silence. There are steps you can take to determine if the behavior can be fixed. If it can’t, you may need to consider cutting ties altogether.

Principles of Transgender and Nonbinary Affirming Therapy

Principles of Transgender and Nonbinary Affirming Therapy

Therapy is never “one size fits all.” Just as every single person who comes in to see a therapist has their own unique experiences, ideas, and background, so should every therapy session. And this may come as a surprise, but so should every therapist. We are people too!

Therapists come with our own set of ideas, types of baggage, levels of education, and varieties of experience. But it is our job to create an inclusive, open, welcome, and safe space for everyone who comes through our door or joins our secure, encrypted, HIPAA-compliant, Fort-Knox-level-security video calls.

Affirming therapy goes beyond simply tolerating or even celebrating queer + trans identities and experiences. Affirming therapy centers these identities. To be affirming means we are consistently working to divest ourselves of holding cis-het-mainstream culture as the default, as the basis on which truth is measured, or as an aspiration for everyone.

Affirming therapists are able to help our clients with any issue that brings them to therapy. AND we are able to help our clients work through issues that queer + trans people specifically face, including homophobia, transphobia, heterosexism, cissexism, and more.

There are many different ways we can educate ourselves on affirmative therapy, from listening to people with lived experience (and compensating them adequately for their labor), to seeking formal training and education, to committing to mentoring from others in the field, to understanding queer communities through our art, media, and culture. There is always room for education and growth in a variety of ways. But there are also some key principles that therapists, can keep in mind while we create a safe and inclusive space of affirming therapy for our LGBTQ+ clients.

By the way, being part of a marginalized or oppressed community doesn’t automatically guarantee that we know what we’re doing. Just like being a therapist doesn’t guarantee it either. It’s everyone’s responsibility to engage in the deliberate practice of active allyship and affirming therapy.

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My Loved One is Transgender

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My Loved One is Transgender

When someone important to you reveals this part of their identity, it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions - from elated to terrified.

Though you may want to be supportive, you might also harbor feelings of rejection, worry, or even anger. Like every other emotion, these feelings aren’t forever. That said, it can certainly feel that way when you’re right in the middle of it.

Although this is new to you, it is not always new to your loved one.

So, how do you cope with these feelings? How can you get to a place of acceptance and understanding instead of fear, anger, or confusion? Depending on your specific situation and relationship to the person, there are different options to help you make sense of your feelings.

Health at Every Size © and Eating Disorder Recovery

Health at Every Size © and Eating Disorder Recovery

What does it really mean to be healthy or unhealthy? In reality, no matter what size you are, each body type can be healthy or unhealthy. Weight is not an inherent health indicator.

I’ll say that again for everyone in the back: Weight is not an inherent health indicator.

When we perpetuate false information and assumptions onto our bodies or others’ bodies, we are furthering toxic diet culture notions. The diet industry makes millions of dollars by feeding into this shame, fear, and general unhappiness towards our bodies to profit. This can lead to terrible ramifications, including perpetuating eating disorders. Furthermore, disordered eating isn’t exclusive to any one body type.

So, where do we start? How do we get to a place where we feel positive — or even better, neutral — about body types? A critical key and first step to take is that we have to accept that health can occur at any size.

How Slowing Down Can Get You to Your Goals Faster

How Slowing Down Can Get You to Your Goals Faster

In our society, we tend to overlook the importance of rest. From a young age, we already have a lot to do: school, homework, socializing, working, and so much more. And it’s not like we take many breaks throughout the stages of our lives.

Many of us attend school for years and then immediately enter the workforce. While it’s great to be motivated and chase your dreams, prioritizing rest is also essential. Taking breaks and resting does not make you lazy or unmotivated — it’s an active part of your overall progress.

Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum

Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum

Any person invested in their own growth will eventually question - how do I know when I’m asking for too much? Am I being fair? Am I going overboard with my boundaries now that I finally learned how helpful they can be?

If you’re uncomfortable speaking up for yourself, most of your personal work (with or without therapy) has probably been learning how to set boundaries.

When it comes to setting and carrying out boundaries, we want to push ourselves to grow and improve, but we also want to be accountable. This can feel like a circus act sometimes. So where’s the balance between asking and demanding?

What is Grounding and How Does it Help with Anxiety and Trauma?

What is Grounding and How Does it Help with Anxiety and Trauma?

If you struggle with anxiety, then you know first-hand how consuming your anxious thoughts can be. You may be totally fine one moment, minding your own business, when your brain suddenly attacks with an onslaught of anxious thoughts racing around in wild patterns- which can be totally debilitating. Anxiety is often hard to explain to others, extremely frustrating, and the unpredictability can be especially rough.

So much of anxiety and trauma is related to our experiences of the past and our worries about the future.

If you have experienced a particularly traumatic event, you can be triggered by flashbacks, memories, and reminders of the trauma, which can cause intense feelings of anxiety. This can also look like fear and worry about that event happening again or dealing with an “anniversary” of when it happened.

Grounding techniques are an incredible way to help reduce the impact of those messy icky anxious feelings in the moment.

Unfortunately, anxiety happens. Those messy feelings? Yeah, they’re gonna happen too. And as much as we want to get rid of them and feel “100% healed,” life just doesn’t work that way. While grounding isn’t a way to erase these memories or experiences, it can be a way to have them feel less intense in the moment, which will help you build resilience over time.

While grounding isn’t a cure for anxiety, it’s a useful technique to bust out when the hardest moments happen. Instead of drowning in your anxious thoughts, grounding can help bring you back to reality. Here’s how it works.

Why Do Pronouns Matter?

Why Do Pronouns Matter?

For many people, this is a topic with which they have a little familiarity, but want to know more. Why do pronouns matter? And why is it essential to refer to people with their pronouns?

We use pronouns in place of someone’s name. If you wouldn’t want to get their name wrong, you wouldn’t want to get their pronouns wrong either.

10 Ways You Know You’re Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

10 Ways You Know You’re Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

Impostor syndrome really sucks.

Have you ever felt like you were a fraud? Do you downplay your skills, talents or abilities, even if you’ve literally done them before and have all the hours logged? Welcome to impostor syndrome.

I’m willing to bet, if you think you have it, you’ve read plenty about it.

Pored through articles looking for proof of your failure. (That would be a sign pointing to YES YOU HAVE IT, by the way.)

Thankfully, Impostor Syndrome doesn’t have to be permanent!

In fact, you might already be working your way out of it, even if it doesn’t feel like you are.

Here is a list you can look through for AWESOME things you’re already doing that show how far you’ve come. (No, you don’t have to get 100% to pass here.)

With dedication and personal development work (especially some targeted therapy), you can escape the cycle of self-doubt. No matter what type of Impostor Syndrome you may relate to, here are 10 hints that tell you’re already overcoming the fraud feelings of Impostor Syndrome. (And if you’re not already doing these, just pick a few and start now! BOOM. You’re doing it).

Why LGBTQ+ Visibility is Important for Your Mental Health

Why LGBTQ+ Visibility is Important for Your Mental Health

September is for celebrating… (no, not the return of school)….

Bi+ Visibility Day on September 23!

(For those of you wondering, “Bi+” includes bisexual, pansexual, and non-monosexual identities.)

Even better than a single day of celebration? That whole week is Bi+ Visibility Week!

But let’s talk about this whole visibility thing. Why do we need a Bi+ visibility day? And come to think of it, why do we need any sort of LGBTQ+ pride parades, rainbow flags, or any sort of celebration in the first place? A common argument made against visible Pride is, “If you don’t want to be discriminated against for your sexuality or gender identity, then don’t make such a big deal about it!” Funny enough, this argument is most often made by people who don’t identify as a part of that community to begin with...

Emotional Labor: Why Your Friends Are So Tired

Emotional Labor: Why Your Friends Are So Tired

Anyone who has ever worked in a customer service job knows the literal pain that comes from smiling at customers for eight hours. The numb cheeks and glazed-over eyes as you answer the same question for the twelfth time that hour. Sometimes you get home and can’t stay up; you're so physically exhausted.

But sometimes this heaviness comes from more than an overtime barista shift. What about always cleaning up after office birthday parties because you feel responsible for everyone else? Maybe it’s the time spent proofreading your emails and adding in exclamation points or emojis to make sure you don’t sound too mean.

There is an unspoken expectation that weighs down the shoulders of oppressed and marginalized groups of people who are often forced to maintain a level of dissonance between how they truly feel and what society around them deems correct to feel: emotional labor.

Aggression Toward Women Doesn't Discriminate

Aggression Toward Women Doesn't Discriminate

When it comes to aggression against women, there are no qualifiers that determine who is going to experience it. Harm takes on the full spectrum, from famous women in powerful positions to the most disenfranchised, including trans women of color.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a U.S. Democratic Representative of New York and youngest woman to ever serve in Congress, was simply walking up the steps of the Capitol to cast a vote when she was accosted, bullied, and verbally attacked by Congressman Yoho, who didn’t agree with her political views. AOC had to defend herself multiple times in front of Congress after Yoho denied the charges, despite reporters overhearing Yoho say aggressive slurs about her.

Megan Thee Stallion is a rapper and songwriter whose latest smash hit, WAP, broke music records by debuting as No. 1 on both the streaming and digital sale charts, with over 93 million U.S. streams and 125,000 downloads in the first week of its release. But current headlines are focused on questioning the legitimacy of her recounting being shot in the foot by rapper Tory Lanez. Despite video footage of the incident and her various messages on social media discussing how she was coping with the trauma, Megan Thee Stallion resorted to sharing graphic photos of her foot post-surgery after followers said they didn’t believe her.

Eden the Doll, Jaslene White Rose, and Joslyn Flawless were recently robbed, attacked, and physically assaulted in Hollywood by Carlton Callaway, Davion Williams, and Willie Walker while Steven Hurtado recorded evidence to ridicule later, all as onlookers pointed, laughed, and encouraged further violence. Two arrests have since been made. The footage itself, however, reflects the sentiment that violence against women is not only allowed, but celebrated. Anyone who has been made complicit in their own violation instantly recognized the insidious terrorism of a perpetrator holding someone’s hand while forcing her to find her friends to be further victimized.

These stories are only the tip of the iceberg. Millions of people endure this violence and aggression from men and carry their own unsung stories. From the #metoo movement to the sickening number of un-publicized deaths of trans women, aggression toward women is not a small issue. But it’s the small things that make it an ongoing issue.

Prospect Therapy: Our New Look

Prospect Therapy: Our New Look

From the very beginning, it was always the vision that Prospect Therapy was going to be more than just a solo private practice. So I didn't want to name my business after myself; I wanted it to be more than me! (Even though it did take a long time until it wasn’t just me…) When it came to choosing a name, it was important to me that I had a word that was evocative of opportunity and becoming.

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Why High Achievers Avoid Therapy (and why they shouldn't)

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Why High Achievers Avoid Therapy (and why they shouldn't)

If you’ve been a high-achiever for most of your life, you’ve gotten used to chasing - and finding - success. It’s not an accident that you’ve exceeded in academics, your social life, and in your career. Sure, this drive often comes from a deep desire to be liked and to compensate for deficits (emotional or otherwise) from your childhood. But who wants to talk about that?

We do!

When you’re busy juggling a career, relationships, hobbies, and a social life, it’s easy to ignore emotional or mental health issues. You might not even notice there are issues to avoid in first place. Everything is fine as long as I keep saying it is, right? This is what we in the biz call super-avoidance. (No one calls it that.)

Self-described “alphas” often get that way by ruthlessly prioritizing. And therapy might not be the highest priority on your list. If everything is fine, why rock a steady boat?

While this isn’t always the case, sometimes that very success that we are so proud of, comes at the price of our mental health. What types of emotions and experiences have you given up in order to meet arbitrary milestones, to meet that long-fetishized muse named productivity, or to please someone in authority?

As long as you continue to ignore your mental well-being, it will soon affect other aspects of your life. As they say, if you don’t make time for your wellness, you’ll have to make time for your illness.

How Long Before Therapy Starts Working?

How Long Before Therapy Starts Working?

Finally getting to speak to someone when you’ve been thinking about issues for weeks, months, or years can be a powerful relief.

It might also be uncomfortable, awkward, and nerve-wracking. It takes courage to admit that aspects of your life could be better. It takes courage to seek out help and admit some of the things you’re not proud of.

For some clients, the first appointment is the worst part. What do I say? Where do I start? What if they’re weird?

But if you’ve found the right therapist, you will feel better by the end of your first session.

After that initial relief wears off, however, you might think that therapy has stalled out. This is especially true for folks who tend to avoid uncomfortable feelings.

Once you have gotten your first few insights and perhaps solved a problem or two -- you might think you’re done. It will be tempting to take a break from therapy, or schedule “check-ins” when you’re stressed.

Of course, you can do that. There’s no rule that says you have to come to therapy every week. But you might be missing out on some of the best parts of therapy if you do.

What Does Your Therapist Really Think About You?

What Does Your Therapist Really Think About You?

When something big happens, whether it’s amazing or absolutely horrible, you typically want to text or call the people you love the most. But often, if you’re seeing a therapist regularly, they may be on that short list of who you want to talk to.

So how do you categorize them? As a friend, a loved one, a paid professional? And even weirder to think about… What do they think about you? This can seem confusing, but it probably just means you’re in relational therapy.

When a Loved One Comes Out to You

When a Loved One Comes Out to You

Not everyone in the LGBTQ+ community feels the need to be open about who we are, to make a social media declaration, or even wants to put a label on our identity.

The term "coming out" isn't for everyone. It reinforces the default of cisgender and heterosexual, as though people are assumed to be that unless we are "revealed" to be otherwise. It also implies there is something secret and shameful about who we are. Some people prefer to say "being open" about our identity.

For many, many people it is not safe to do so. It can lead to loss of relationships, employment, financial and housing stability, legal standing, access to basic care and services, social support, safety, and loss of life.

However, many people find a greater sense of freedom and congruence when we are open about who we are. It makes a big difference when we are accepted, respected, and literally allowed to go on about our daily lives.

Convenient to Long Beach and Seal Beach at:

4510 E Pacific Coast Hwy, #540, Long Beach, CA 90804

contact@prospecttherapy.com | (562) 704-4736